


I Saved You and You Saved Me

by abnormalhuman



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: College AU, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Mental Health Issues, angsty but cute, both are fucking trainwrecks but end up saving each other, more like friends to lovers they hate each other for like 1.5 chapters lol, they're both hot messes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-09-22 03:58:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 41,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9582494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abnormalhuman/pseuds/abnormalhuman
Summary: Clarke Griffin is a freshman at Polis University looking for a new beginning after her father's death. She plans to ace college and drink her sorrows away, that is until she meets Lexa Woods, the mysterious girl who she is forced to work with on a project that is incredibly rude. Clarke is dealing with her own guilt and mourning and as the two begin to grow closer and fall for one another, Clarke learns that Lexa has a secret of her own that has caused her to act the way she does.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

It was her first day of college and Clarke Griffin was ecstatic. She had gotten up at six thirty to get ready for her eight am. She couldn’t help her excitement all morning, she had accidently woken Octavia, her roommate and best friend from high school, who whipped a pillow at her when Clarke hummed around the dorm this morning. Her whole life had been leading to this, she had worked her hardest through high school to get the highest GPA she could to get into Polis University, which was where her mother had attended for her undergrad and medical school. Clarke had planned to do the same.

She thought of all the jokes Octavia would’ve made about Clarke leaving so early to get to her first class. It was a fact that ran true to every college student that eight am’s were deadly, yet she was still excited and getting to the lecture hall fifteen minutes early. Looking through her phone to make sure she had the correct room, she swung open the door to the room she would be spending an hour of her morning each Monday, Wednesday, Friday for the next fifteen weeks. She almost stumbles over her feet when she spots one other person in the hall. Clarke hadn’t expected anyone else to get here this early. She definitely stumbles when she actually takes in the girl’s appearance.

She sits in the middle of the lecture hall and is sitting with perfect posture and is organizing her folders. Her long brown waves shine in the light and she has a waterfall braid running through her bangs. Her head is tipped down but Clarke can make out her perfect eyeliner on seemingly large eyes. Clarke can make out a soft button nose, but the rest of her face is shaded. The girl is wearing a baggy gray sweater and fiddles with a pen in her hand. Clarke is simply enraptured.

The blonde catches her hand on a chair to stop her stumbling. Before Clarke can think, her feet carry her up the steps and to the row that has the girl sitting in it. Her heartbeat is echoing in her ears by the time she reaches the girl. She clears her throat, “Is this seat taken?”

The beautiful girl seems snapped out of her trance and looks up at Clarke, that is when she is even more drawn into the most beautiful set of green eyes. The girl awkwardly bites her very pink full lips and quickly looks around the room quickly. “Um, all the other seats are empty?” It comes out like a question in a very soft feminine voice that Clarke was not expecting.

She is thrown back for a second, being called out on how odd her actions are. It takes her a second to snap back to her normal bravado, “It’s our first day, it wouldn’t hurt to make some new friends.”

The girl fiddles with the pen between her long fingers that are shaking, she stares at Clarke with wide green eyes that look pissed. The blonde flashes her a soft smile that makes the other girl’s stiff shoulders drop a centimeter. Her bright green eyes lower back to her notebook as she settles her pen, “I’m not really looking for friends. Feel free to sit wherever you like.”

Completely befuddled, Clarke blinks at the girl who won’t look at her. Rejection is something that has never happened to her and she can tell her face is in complete shock. She shakes her head at herself and at the blatant rudeness of this girl, “Sorry for the bother.”

She stomps out of the row and heads a few rows back in shock. She slumps into one of the few “lefty seats” available and tries to ignore that it feels like she’s been punched in the gut. She pulls out her phone and shoots off a text to Octavia in annoyance.

**Clarke [7:47 a.m.]: Last time I try to be friendly.**

**Octavia [7:48 a.m.]: why would you text me this early. you know I’m a light sleeper, I’m not gonna say you’re a bitch, but bitch.**

**Clarke [7:48 a.m.]: I asked a girl if I could sit by her, ya know to make friends, and she rejected me.**

**Octavia [7:50 a.m.]: dude, you got there fifteen minutes early, there were probably so many seats open that you didn’t have to sit directly next to her. That’s just weird, like the cardinal sin of college is to sit directly next to someone.**

**Clarke [7:50 a.m.]: I KNOW this but still...she was cute.**

**Octavia [7:51 a.m.]: oh clarkey, always thinking with little Clarke.**

**Clarke [7:51 a.m.]: I don’t have a little Clarke, I’m a girl. Ugh, you’re no help go to bed.**

She sees Octavia read her message and gets no response. Clarke rolls her eyes, annoyed that Octavia is somewhat right. Still, that girl was rude. Clarke pulls out a notebook and a pen and watches as people flood into the lecture hall and her eyes bounce to the pretty girl every couple minutes. Nobody sits next to the brunette, it seems like she has gotten her wish. At 7:59, when the older professor writes his name up on the white board, a girl with brown hair and dark brown eyes sprints into the lecture hall. Seeing as most the seats have filled, the girl spots Clarke, trying to decide if she seems normal or not, before heading towards her and plopping down directly next to her.

“Raven Reyes, nice to meet you,” she huffs out.

“Clarke Griffin,” she smiles.

“What are you doing in Calculus I, Clarke Griffin?”  Raven slumps into the seat and puts her legs up on the seat in front of her.

“I placed into it,” Clarke shrugs, “I figured it would look better for a med school application than taking the minimum requirement.”

“Wow, we’ve got a little genius here,” Raven holds her hands up and pulls her phone out.

“What’s your major?” Clarke laughs.

“Astrophysics,” Raven shrugs like it isn’t an insanely hard major. “This class is going to be child’s play.”

Clarke laughs at the girl’s cockiness, she seems like she’s more fun than the rude girl in the middle of the hall. At that moment, the professor turns around and starts his lecture. He skips the syllabus and starts drawing across the board to describe limits and Clarkes tries to not let her mind wander. She moves quickly to scrawl down notes of everything the professor is doing and is saying. Exactly an hour later, Clarke has two pages full of messy notes and a small understanding of the subject, she turns to look at Raven who is texting on her phone.

“Did you not take notes?” Clarke asks.

Raven shakes her head and gets up, “Nope, just kind of listened. It’s all up here though,” she taps her skull.

“Must be nice,” Clarke notes as they walk down the stairs. The two make sarcastic conversation as they walk through the building and outside. They exchange numbers when they go separate ways.

Clarke’s three other classes go by quickly. She makes friends with an awkward looking boy named Jasper who is in her chemistry class. He seems incredibly smart and funny, he agrees to study start a study group together. Clarke trudges to her dorm room and plops into her bed around two in the afternoon, thankful to be done early in the day. She passes out when her head hits the pillow and the last thing she sees before she falls asleep is a set of green eyes.

She feels something repeatedly smacking her face and in a complete haze she swings her arm out. Clarke feels her hand contact skin and she turns away from the person to resume her nap. That’s when she feels her mattress dip from a weight and then there is the bouncing.

“Wake the hell up, Clarke!”

Clarke peels her eyes open and sees Octavia jumping all over her bed, she shoves at one of her legs, “What?” She nearly hisses.

“Do your nerd homework, we have a party to go to,” Octavia plops so she lands on her butt.

“It’s a Monday,” Clarke groans as she climbs out of bed, checking her phone. The clock says it’s five and she has a series of notifications from Raven asking her if she was going to party, so Octavia isn’t lying.

“Yeah, it’s college,” Octavia says simply.

“Okay, any other day of the week I understand, but Monday?” She grumbles and sits behind her desk, pulling her laptop out.

“It’s a huge welcome party and you knew coming here that this is a big party school. Don’t act like you’re not going to love it.”

Clarke lets out a laugh, “You’re right. What time do we want to leave?”

After powering through her homework and getting ready, Clarke stumbles out of her room after Octavia while trying to slip a heel on. They climb into the elevator and Octavia is already swaying from the vodka she drank out of her half full water bottle. The pair exit their building and meet Raven outside to walk to the party. She introduces the pair and they immediately hit it off and are quipping jokes at one another the whole ten-minute stroll.

Clarke can hear the house before she can even see it. And she can see Octavia and Raven both bouncing excitedly as the noises get louder. She pries the water bottle of vodka from Octavia’s hand and takes a few large gulps.

“Damn Princess, slow down you’ve got all night,” Raven notes and takes the bottle to take a few sips.

Clarke barely grimaces at the nasty taste as Octavia laughs and slings her arm around Clarke’s shoulder, “Party Girl Griffin didn’t die after high school graduation like you claimed she did.”

Clarke can’t help but laugh at the memory of when she nearly died a few hours after graduation after giving her valedictorian speech hammered and getting away with it. She takes the bottle again from Raven, “Party Girl Griffin didn’t die, she was reborn. Welcome Party Girl Griffin 2.0.”

“Party Girl what?” Raven questions.

“Oh, you’ll understand soon, and you will absolutely love her.” Octavia laughs.

The house comes into sight. The first thing Clarke notices are all the lights, there are Christmas lights thrown in an unorganized pattern all over the roof and the front of the house, and she can make out the strobe lights that are flashing from inside. The trio walks through the gate, all while passing a group of girls surrounding a girl who is crying about some boy, seeing about four people vomiting in the yard, and one girl peeing obviously in front of the porch. It’s going to be an interesting night, indeed.

When they squeeze through the door, after being rated by a group of douchey boys sitting around a keg, she loses Octavia and Raven almost immediately. She gets pulled into the crowd against her will and is pulled on by several guys and girls asking her to dance. Clarke figures that a trip to the kitchen would be better first. She manages to find her way there and the counter is littered with several fifths and the ground is covered in red cups. She moves to make a long island iced tea, which can usually do the trick. When she is looking for tea and can’t find any, she decides to just chug the concoction of several shots of alcohol. She refills her cup and something outside the sliding glass door catches her eye. It leads a curious Clarke out the door to see the back of a brunette not much taller than her, leaning on the edge of a deck looking up at the sky. Clarke bumps into a chair, causing the girl to spin around quickly, and that’s when she notices the beautiful green eyed girl.

The girl immediately turns back around, apparently ignoring Clarke. The blonde decides to toss her drink back and join the girl at her side. She stands a respected two feet away from her as she states, “This doesn’t seem like your scene.”

“And how would you imply that?” The girl responds quickly and calculated as she continues to stare up.

“You got to an 8:00 a.m. lecture over fifteen minutes early,” Clarke starts.

“So did you and yet here you are, you already reek of alcohol and it isn’t even eleven yet, sounds like the typical college girl with a drinking problem that will flunk out half a semester in,” the girl interrupts.

“Okay, rude. Anyways, you said you weren’t looking for friends. So why would you be at a party where everyone on campus is at?” Clarke asks while glaring at the side of the girl’s head.

Clarke gets leveled with a pair of green eyes that she tries not to find beautiful, “I don’t want to be here. My roommate forced me to come, even though she didn’t walk here with me, so I decided to stay out here, _alone_ until I can leave,” she responds.

A pair of blue eyes roll nearly into the back of her head as she huffs, “Whatever, I came here to have fun anyways. Which clearly you are the opposite of anything fun or joyful at all.”

“Way to get the message, leave me alone,” the girl responds.

Clarke throws her cup at the girl’s feet and walks away. She wishes she could go back in time to punch 7:45 a.m. Clarke for even associating with that girl. She may be beautiful, but she’s rude, like incredibly fucking rude. And Clarke wants to punch herself in the face right now, because she is still thinking of the girl after two more drinks. Octavia finds her an hour or two or three later after she alternated between taking shots, grinding, and making out with some random girl that approached her. She feels light and happy as Octavia tugs on her wrist and screams, “Body shots!”

Clarke giggles as a bunch of guys lift her up to lay her on the table. Octavia goes up first, with a short line being formed behind her. The blonde winks at her best friend when a large group forms and starts taking pictures and videos. Clarke’s head feels light from all the alcohol when Octavia takes the shot out of her belly button and then proceeds to take a lime from Clarke’s mouth that Clarke didn’t even realize someone put in between her teeth. Her eardrums hurt from the loud cheering that erupts when Octavia throws her hands up in the air and yells something along the lines of “we’re back bitches” which makes no sense. The blonde keeps cheering after each shot is done on her, after about four people go through, it’s Raven’s turn.

Apparently Raven Reyes’ likes to put on a show, she takes her sweat old time licking salt off of Clarke’s stomach which has close to twenty guys chanting. By the time Raven takes the shot and gets to the lime part. She lingers as she takes the lime from Clarke’s teeth and that’s when the whole crowd starts chanting kiss. Clarke shrugs as Raven pulls away, spitting the lime out and leaning back in to kiss Clarke square on the mouth. Neither have any inhibition at the moment, and Clarke is so drunk she can only register the warmth of the kiss. The kiss is all tongue and her ears hurt from the wild screaming. Raven pulls away quickly and pulls Clarke on the ground to hold her hand up in the air like a champion of a boxing match as the crowd goes wild. Clarke sways and giggles as the crowd chants “Party Girl” but her smile drops when she makes eye contact with a pair of green eyes across the room.

The girl is standing in the corner of the room with a look of disdain in her green eyes. When their eyes connect, Clarke blames her drunkenness when her stomach swoops. The girl pisses her off so she walks away from the crowd, flipping the girl off as she goes to fill up a drink. She fills the majority of a cup with vodka then puts some orange juice in and crushes the cup after she chugs it in seconds.

“Who are you and where have you been my whole life?” A deep male voice sounds behind her and she spins around to see a handsome guy a few inches taller than her. He has brown hair that hangs to about his chin and deep brown eyes that lure Clarke in.

“I’m sorry but I’ve hit my two-person kiss quota of the night,” Clarke slurs.

He chuckles and his smile is infectious, he sticks his hand out, “My name is Finn Collins.”

She shakes his hand with a giggle, “Clarke Griffin.”

“You’ve made quite the impression tonight. You’re a freshman, I’m guessing?”

Clarke lifts herself on the counter to sit because she can’t stop swaying and her head is dizzy. Her head gets even dizzier when she nods at Finn. Finn. She likes that name.

“I’m a sophomore myself. It’s really nice to meet you,” Finn voices with a wide smile.

“Did I catch your eye before or after I kissed Raven in front of everyone?” Clarke slurs.

He smiles, “Before, I noticed you when you walked in.”

“You sound like the main character of a horrible rom-com where the guy pretty much stalks the girl to get her attention,” Clarke jokes.

Finn laughs and nudges her knee, “Is it working?” he jokes.

She jumps off the counter and falls into his arms. Finn holds her upright while she giggles and her whole body is warm and tingly from the contact, which she ignores. She pulls his phone out of his hand to put her number in. She hands it back to him with a grin as Octavia comes up to her to tell her they’re leaving.

“I don’t want to go Octavia, I’m having fun,” Clarke argues as she turns to the counter to grab another drink.

“Oh, no,” Octavia grabs both of Clarke’s wrist, “I’m not being kept up all night by your puking from another border line alcohol poisoning.

“That was like one time,” Clarke argues.

“More like five, besides you’ve drank way too much tonight,” Octavia says as she knocks a cup out of Clarke’s hand.

“Do you want me to help you get her back?” Finn intervenes.

“That would be great, thanks.” When Octavia tries to grab at Clarke again, she jumps onto the counter and slides to the other side to run away from the girl. Once she’s on her feet she runs into the crowd; she doesn’t want to go. “God dammit, Clarke, not again!” Octavia yells and Clarke giggles even more as she runs away.

Clarke takes a shot glass out of someone’s hand and downs the liquid as she runs toward the sliding door. She trips over the doorway and falls onto the deck, she laughs and rolls onto her back as she looks up at the stars. Her mind drifts to that green-eyed girl, she can’t blame her for looking at these stars, they’re beautiful just like her. Clarke must be thinking of the girl a lot, because it’s like she can see her right now, that is until she hears the girl muttering as she helps Clarke to her feet. The girl’s hands are soft and they feel nice, even nicer than every kiss she’s had tonight or when Finn caught her in his arms.

“Clarke, are you okay?” She hears a familiar voice as she turns to see Raven sitting on the edge of the deck.

“Octavia wants me to leave and I’m having fun,” Clarke says obviously as she stumbles towards Raven.

Raven cackles as she holds out her arm to steady Clarke. The beautiful rude girl makes her way towards them, but it looks like she’s spinning or that’s just Clarke’s head being dizzy. She hears the girl’s soft voice and a dopey smile covers her face, “Raven, who is she and what’s her deal?”

“Oh shush, Lexa. She’s my friend, she sits by me in calculus, since you refuse to sit by me. She’s just had too much to drink,” Raven argues and turns back to Clarke.

Clarke’s dopey smile has spread even wider, now she knows her name. Lexa, it’s beautiful and strong just like her. Lexa. She thinks the name a few more times and says it once aloud on accident.

“Why don’t we get you back to Octavia?” Raven says. “Lexa and I were about to leave, we can all walk back together.”

“Oh, please no,” Lexa grumbles.

“How do you guys know each other? This Lexa is a Mr. Grumpy Pants,” Clarke mumbles as she leans on Raven’s shoulder.

“Roommates,” Raven says nonchalantly as she looks up towards the door and smiles. “Octavia, thank God. We’ve got to get this one to bed.”

Clarke turns the door and notices Finn and Octavia coming out onto the deck. She tries to make a break for it, but Raven grips onto Clarke tightly. Octavia steps forward and wraps an arm around Clarke’s waist, “I know the routine with this one.”

Clarke sticks her tongue out.

“You are such a childish drunk,” Octavia sasses. “Let’s head back and get you to bed.”

“Fine, mom,” Clarke sounds sarcastically.

She kind of blacks out on the walk back. She only remembers bits and pieces of Octavia and Finn keeping her upright. She remembers laughing at some of the stuff Raven says. She even catches Lexa’s eye a few times. Before she even realizes it, Octavia is forcing a bottle of water down Clarke’s throat and tucking her into bed. She passes out immediately.

* * *

 

The morning comes too soon. Clarke is awoken by a blaring alarm that has Octavia whipping some object at her to turn it off and all of it makes her skull fucking scream. Clarke voices several curses as she falls onto the floor while turning her alarm off. She does some pathetic crawl to the bathroom to swallow three Motrin and chug a bottle of water. Her head is in a haze of pure pain and her stomach rumbles with the threat of vomit. She braves herself to strip herself of her clothes to climb into the shower. Clarke lays under a stream of hot water until her skull stops throbbing.

After showering and brushing her teeth, Clarke comes into the dorm to see Octavia in a rush of putting clothes on. Clarke pulls a pair of sweatpants on and searches for a shirt as she questions her roommate, “Why are you in a rush?”

“I’m running late and so are you,” Octavia shoves a folder into her backpack. “Our first class today is at ten, it’s 9:55. It takes ten minutes to walk there,” Octavia puts her backpack on and stares at Clarke with crazed blue-green eyes.

Clarke finds a random sweatshirt and pulls it on, “Looks like we’re running.”

It is a sight to see, two hungover freshman sprinting across campus. Clarke looks homeless and has forgotten her backpack and Octavia isn’t matching in the slightest and her shirt is inside out. Clarke has to stop to puke in the grass, which causes several students to scoff at her. One guy yells, “Party Girl Griffin.” The pair manages to slip into their class right before the professor starts teaching. It’s some gen ed English course that only has twenty people in it, so their professor takes in their appearance and immediately gives them a glare.

The professor goes over the syllabus for the first thirty minutes and the whole time Clarke just focuses on keeping herself from puking. Halfway through the lecture over the five-page long syllabus, Octavia slides Clarke a note that neatly says five words:

**This needs to stop, Clarke.**

Clarke sighs, Octavia is obviously talking about her alcohol consumption last night. She tries not to think about it, she just rolls her eyes and slides the paper back to Octavia while rolling her eyes. The professor soon goes into a lecture about group projects and research while sending a leeway into their first assignment. She says how it is worth 50% of their grade and will take most the semester. When she says that it is a two-person project, Clarke and Octavia smirk at each other while giving each other nudges.

The professor zeroes in her eyes on the pair, “And before you guys get excited, I’ve randomly chosen your partners. This will teach you guys that you don’t always get to work with the people you choose, so I just did this at random. I’ll announce the pairs now. When I say your name, raise your hand so your partner knows who you are.”

Clarke hears several names stated. Octavia gets paired with a boy named Monty who looks like he is incredibly nice, it looks like Octavia lucked out. Clarke just hopes she has a partner that actually pulls their weight, not someone that tries to get her to do all the work.

“Clarke Griffin,” upon hearing her name, she weakly puts her hand in the air and looks around, her eyes land on a pair of green ones when she hears, “Alexandria Woods.” She is about to sigh a sigh of relief when the name said isn’t Lexa, until she notices Lexa raise her hand and glare into Clarke’s eyes.

“That’s all the pairings and no you cannot change partners,” the professor voices. “Go sit next to your partner and brainstorms ideas for your research project. Make sure to exchange numbers!”

All the while the professor rambles, Clarke and Lexa never break eye contact. Clarke gets up and walks towards Lexa who almost has a grimace as her posture gets even straighter. Clarke pulls out a seat next to the girl and throws her a smirk.

“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” she props her chin in her hands while she smirks at Lexa.

“You better pull your work, I’m not doing this whole project alone,” Lexa quips as she scribbles on a piece of paper.

“I’m not an idiot,” Clarke argues.

Lexa chuckles ironically, “Explain last night then.”

“Okay, what the hell is your problem?” Her voice rises so a few people look at her and she gives them an apologetic look before looking at Lexa. “I’ve never done anything to you, I’ve tried to be friendly to you, like a decent human and all you keep doing is act like a bitch. What is your problem with me?”

Lexa fixes Clarke with an intense glare, “My problem is that you think you can flaunt your way through life. A rich blonde girl that has no problems, anyone would fall over to be with you, you’ve made that obvious, you’ve never had to overcome anything. You think you can just drink like an idiot, your rich daddy will pay off your DUIs and life will be all roses and sunshine. You’re annoying and you’re a reminder of everything I don’t have. Life is cruel and I don’t want you rubbing it in on how great yours is. We will finish this project and that’s it,” Lexa asserts.

Clarke’s mouth is gaping and she’s seeing red, she clenches her fists so she doesn’t do anything stupid like punch Lexa in the middle of English class. She takes a deep breath, grabs Lexa’s paper and scribbles her number down, “I’ve never had a DUI and my dad is dead. Text me a research idea so I can pull the work in this project. Have a great fucking day, Alexandria.” Clarke shoves her chair out and watches Lexa’s face drop as she storms out of the classroom with tears spreading down her cheeks.

She makes it to her dorm in record time so she can cry in peace. She doesn’t want to think about her dad, she doesn’t want to think of how he died. It’s her fault and she doesn’t know how she can live with it. That’s when Clarke starts tearing her room apart. She rips her sheets off her bed and throws them, she turns her mattress over while letting out a scream. Her legs give out and Clarke pulls herself into a small ball as she sobs and breaks down. She can’t breathe. Her eyes fall on a bottle sitting under Octavia’s bed, she reaches under and pulls a full bottle of tequila out. She sobs as she opens it and takes a large pull, which causes her to run to the bathroom to spill the contents of her stomach into the toilet and onto her shirt. The blonde pulls herself into the shower while letting a cold stream fall upon her. The water mixes with her tears as she starts to sip on the bottle.

“Clarke,” she looks up through blurred eyes. Clarke doesn’t know how long she’s been here, she’s shivering and only a small sliver of the tequila is gone, it doesn’t matter she’s thrown it all up anyways. Octavia stands in the doorway with a sad look, she doesn’t look disappointed, she has a look of pity. Clarke lets out an ugly sob as Octavia walks towards her to turn off the shower and take the bottle out of her hands. Octavia grabs a towel and climbs in behind Clarke to wrap her in it, Octavia shushes her through the tears as she sobs. Clarke doesn’t know how long they sit there, with Octavia hugging her tightly, but she eventually eases up and climbs out of the shower.

“She brought up my dad,” Clarke says evenly.

“I figured, I would’ve gotten here sooner, but I had another class, I’m sorry,” Octavia climbs out after her. “You need Abby.”

“She doesn’t need to drive all the way out here,” Clarke argues.

“Your mom works an hour away and your next class isn’t until eight,” Octavia argues as she pulls out her phone to call Abby Griffin. The blonde walks away and busies herself with fixing her bed until Octavia ends the call. “She’s on her way right now, she said to meet her someplace for coffee, she said she will text you the address.”

Clarke just nods at Octavia; the brunette gives her a weak smile and lays down in her own bed. They’ve been through the routine enough for this to be the next phase where Octavia lets Clarke sit and think to herself. They don’t talk, they just sit there in silence until Clarke gets a text with an address to some coffee shop and she changes into dry clothes and leaves. Her mind is blank as she walks there, she can’t think about him. Her hair is still damp and mouth is dry, she hates to see her mom like this.

It is a short walk and she spots her mom sitting outside of a quaint coffee shop in a pair of scrubs and a lab coat. Her mom’s eyes light up upon seeing her and she rushes to Clarke to give her a big hug, they stay like that for at least a minute, until she feels customers start to stare. The pair sit down across from each other and Abby looks at her with a look of pity that Clarke hates.

“I, uh, bought you one of those sugary frozen coffees that barely have any coffee in them, just like you like,” Abby announces as she sips on a black coffee.

“Thanks,” Clarke says through a cracked voice that is much raspier than usual. She takes a greedy sip while Abby fiddles with a pager in her hands.

“Octavia told me what happened,” Abby says after a few moments, “And she told me about last night.”

“Mom,” Clarke sighs.

“No, I’m going to talk. I am going to be here with you every step of the way, I am your mother and I will always try to be the best I can be. I’m just worried about you. You’re drinking again-“

“No, mom, there’s no ‘again’ I never stopped. Octavia doesn’t know the story, nobody knows what I’m going through. I’m the reason dad died and this is how I’m dealing with it. After my graduation when I almost drank myself to death, I didn’t stop like you guys think, I just didn’t do it in front of Octavia anymore. You know I’m not an alcoholic, I can go weeks without drinking,” Clarke rants.

“I know you aren’t an addict, it’s just when you drink it’s too much and it’s dangerous,” Abby says weakly.

“It makes me happy and helps me forget.”

“Clarke, I miss your dad. I miss him so much and it is not your fault, but it’s almost been a year-“

The blonde cuts her mother off again, “Don’t put a time schedule on my grieving. And it is my fault, I was the reason he was driving. He was driving to pick me up because I was drunk and then an idiot drunk driver from the party I was at killed him. That is all on me and I know you agree.”

“Honey, you know that I do not agree. It is not your fault, it was the boy that was driving, you can’t live with this constant blame on yourself. You deserve so much better,” Abby voices as she grabs onto Clarke’s shaking hands. “Have you stopped harming yourself?”

“Fuck off, mom,” Clarke huffs.

 “I’m worried.”

“Yeah, because you think I’m some alcoholic, which I’m not. And you think I’m a suicidal cutter, which I’m not. I don’t know why Octavia always has me talk to you, you make me out to be someone I’m not. All you do is accuse, you don’t help,” Clarke rants.

“If you want me to be the villain, then so be it. I’ll be the villain as long as you’re okay,” Abby whispers through tears.

“Stop it with the woe is me bullshit,” Clarke nearly yells.

“Clarke, you know I’m not doing that. Stop trying to push me away, I love you and I want to help you through this.”

Ignoring all the patrons staring, she breaks down in tears as her mom rushes around to hug her tightly, “I don’t know how to live with this pain.”

“You’ll fight through it, because you are the strongest person I know. And I’ll be here every step of the way and so will Octavia,” Abby whispers into blonde locks of hair.

Abby rounds back to her seat and the pair talk about casual things, avoiding the elephant in the room of Jake Griffin. Her mom asks her about her first day and enthusiastically gushes when she realizes that Clarke has one of her old professors from college. Speaking to her mother helps calm Clarke, it makes her forget for a bit, just being comforted and content. She misses Abby, she pushed her away for months after Jake’s death and they’ve just started mending their relationship. When Abby gets a call for work, the pair part with a long hug and promises of calling each other later.

Clarke strolls away from the coffee shop feeling significantly lighter. She texts Octavia thanks when her phone vibrates with an unknown number, she ignores it as she heads towards her dorm. The blonde opens the text when she is on the elevator ride up to her dorm and she almost drops the phone in shock.

**Unknown [4:45 p.m.]: Hello, Clarke, this is Lexa Woods. I wanted to apologize for my actions earlier and would like to talk to you in person when you have the chance. I’m so sorry again, have a good day.**


	2. Chapter 2

Clarke ignores the text from Lexa, she can’t even fully grasp how it makes her feel. She knows that she’s angry, but why does her heart speed up at the thought of Lexa texting her? It’s stupid and she ignores it, she pushes it all down as she sits behind her desk and does homework until her night class. Octavia asks about Abby, and Clarke gives her a short briefing before turning back to her studying and homework

Around fifteen minutes before her class, Clarke bids Octavia farewell and heads across campus to her psychology class. She gets there pretty early so she picks a seat in the middle of the class. She doodles in her notebook while the seats around her fill up and she finally opens up the text from Lexa and responds.

**Clarke [7:57 p.m.]: okay. When and where**

**Lexa Woods [7:58 p.m.]: Perhaps tomorrow before Calculus, we can talk about topics for research and I can give you a proper apology.**

**Clarke [7:59 p.m.]: what time? and again where**

**Lexa Woods [7:59 p.m.]: The cafeteria on campus? And 7:00 a.m.**

**Clarke [8:00 p.m.]: okay**

She sits back and puts her phone in her backpack as the professor starts to lecture. Her professor goes over the syllabus when a guy next to her points at her doodles, “I feel you there,” he motions with his pen to his paper that contains doodles that are as well drawn as Clarke’s. She looks over to see a tall man with tattoos on some very defined arms. He shoots her a friendly smile, “I’m Lincoln.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Clarke,” she introduces and the two make easy conversation while their professor drones on. The pair compare sketches that they made and before she knows it, the hour is up and class is over. He offers to walk Clarke back to her dorm since it so late at night and Clarke agrees, while sending Octavia a text that she has a boy to introduce her to. Lincoln seems like he is just Octavia’s type and Clarke has always been a bit of a matchmaker.

Clarke makes sure to make a lot of noise while unlocking her door so Octavia is warned. When the door opens, she sees Octavia’s ass in the air. She spins around and is in a sports bra and leggings with her hair up in a messy ponytail, she tries to act surprised as her eyes take in Lincoln’s appearance.

“Goodness, sorry I was just doing some yoga, I’m Octavia and you are,” Octavia voices and Clarke tries not to chuckle, because Octavia is the type of girl to do kickboxing and run marathons, hell she’s on the university’s lacrosse team, not do yoga.

“Lincoln,” he says in a strangled voice and Clarke actually lets out a minute laugh when he has his eyes on the ceiling to avoid any wandering eyes. His eyes get wide when Octavia walks towards him her hand out to give him a handshake and Clarke slinks off towards her bed. “Nice to meet you. I’ll see you in class Thursday, Clarke!”

He leaves and Octavia closes the door and looks at Clarke with her jaw dropped, “Holy shit he’s hot, but he didn’t even look at me.”

“Probably because you doing yoga in a five-foot area isn’t convincing,” Clarke mumbles as she closes her eyes and lays on her side. “You doing yoga in general isn’t convincing.”

Clarke feels a piece of fabric being thrown at her and she turns to see Octavia with her hands on her hips. The blonde grabs at the tank top that was chucked at her and tosses it back to her roommate who catches it easily and glares, “You gave me a five minute warning about a ‘hot guy that is so my type’ and I looked like crap, I had to improvise.”

“By displaying your body to the poor boy,” Clarke giggles as she stands up to take a handful of medication. “He seems to be quite the gentleman, maybe he could finally tame _the Octavia Blake_.”

Octavia doesn’t respond and Clarke spins around with a water bottle in her hand with a confused look. The brunette has a sudden look of concern, “You’re taking your pills again?”

Clarke spins back around to change out of the pair of jeans she wore for meeting up with her mom. She stays silent until she has her sweats on and has taken her bra off, “My chat with Abby today shed some light that I may want to take them again.”

Octavia sits on Clarkes bed and pats the spot beside her. The blonde hesitates and sits beside her roommate that envelops her in a hug, “Good it will help. I’m glad you’re going to.”

“They’re just anti-depressants because _someone_ narked to Abby that I cut myself once and she never will stop asking,” Clarke says with her arms at her side as her roommate continues to hug her.

“We both know it was more than once,” Octavia mutters into her hair. “You’re my best friend and I just want you to be okay.”

Clarke awkwardly chuckles and pushes Octavia away from her, “You’re making it weird. I’m just taking pills again.” She notices Octavia push a tear away from her eye, making it the second time she’s seen Octavia cry over Clarke. The blonde suddenly feeling very uncomfortable with the subject at hand lays back on her bed, “Go put a shirt on, you weirdo.”

Octavia shoves Clarke jokingly while she has unattractive snot coming out of her nose, “Love you too.” She grabs the tank top that she threw at Clarke and pulls it on over her head, “I’m going to go to the gym, the lacrosse practice today was way too easy, do you want to come?”

Clarke just laughs at Octavia and the brunette joins in, “Just grab me food on your way back.”

“I was planning on it,” she says offhandedly as she walks out the door.

Clarke busies herself with studying for her biology class, which only lasts her about forty minutes before she is doodling an intricate human skeleton. She groans and closes her notebook, she has never had a great attention span for studying. The blonde decides to get up and pick out an outfit for tomorrow, she ends up picking a rather simple gray long sleeve with a jacket to layer over it. Octavia walks in when Clarke is about to fire up an episode on Netflix. She wordlessly tosses a bag of takeout at the blonde as she walks towards the bathroom to shower. The blonde scarfs down the food, it being the first thing she’s eaten today and then proceeds to fall asleep, exhausted, on top of her comforter.

Clarke is woken up by Octavia throwing a pillow at her to “turn off the damn alarm” which seems to be their morning routine. While in the middle of brushing her teeth, she notices that it is six in the morning, rather confused, it takes her a moment to remember her meeting with Lexa. Her stomach fills with dread as she spits out a clump of toothpaste. She’s never had a conversation longer than two minutes with Lexa and the last conversation was telling Clarke how “easy her life was.” Clarke stares into the mirror, takes in the bags under her eyes, clumped blonde hair, and t-shirt that exposes a bunch of scars – she scoffs, yeah _easy_.

After tearing a brush through her hair, she puts some face makeup on to hide the bags under her eyes and to hide the slight scar on her forehead from when she got into the car accident that killed her father. Clarke had never been big on makeup, maybe some mascara for a party or a day she was feeling special, but after the accident, the scar was a constant reminder of her father’s death and how she caused it, she can never bear to look at it so she always wears cover-up. The blonde is out the door, with a backpack weighing her down, in under a half hour.

She gets to the cafeteria ten minutes early and fills her plate with way too much food and chugs two glasses of chocolate milk before Lexa wanders into the cafeteria with a lost look on her face and earbuds in her ears at precisely 7:00 a.m. Those damned green eyes fall on Clarke, causing the blonde to swallow thickly. Clarke feels two things upon feeling those eyes connect with hers: one is that feeling she had the first time she saw Lexa and the other is pure anger. Clarke decides to focus on the anger. Lexa gives her a slight nod as she stabs her eggs with a fork, she scrutinizes Lexa with a pair of tired eyes as the brunette grabs her own breakfast from the buffet style cafeteria.

When Lexa approaches her with a tray full of oatmeal and yogurt, she puts her head down, because looking at this girl is making her seethe with anger. Clarke shoves a cinnamon roll into her mouth and takes a large bite as she feels a pair of eyes focusing intently on her. She hears Lexa clear her throat and she reluctantly looks up, she notices something in the other girl’s hand and tries to focus on that rather than screaming at Lexa in the empty cafeteria.

“I’d like to apologize,” Lexa affirms.

“I gathered that from your text,” Clarke snarls as she sips on her drink. She notices Lexa place whatever was in her hand onto Clarke’s tray right next to her drink. It is a Hallmark esque card with a cartoon on the front of a puppy apologizing to its owner with a big pair of puppy eyes. Clarke scoffs as she pulls it open to see an elegant scrawl underneath the printed **_I’m Sowwy_** that came on the card.

**_Words cannot even begin to describe how sorry I am. I apologize for making these assumptions about you, I shouldn’t have done that, you seem like a genuine person and I judged you on that. Nobody has it easy and I used my own self-pity to hurt you. If you would like me to explain the circumstance to our English professor, I can make her switch us if you don’t want to be with me. I’m very sorry about your father and I can understand such pain, and I am incredibly sorry, Clarke._ **

Clarke looks up and sighs, nobody has ever given her a card for being an ass to her. Nothing can really make up for what Lexa said, but she tries to keep an open mind as she looks to the other girl who obviously spent a lot of time writing this card. She gives the anxious looking girl a weak smile, “A Hallmark card, really?”

“I felt my apology would be more sincere this way, because I really do mean that. I am very sorry, Clarke,” Lexa straightens her posture and stares intently at the other girl.

The blonde ignores her pounding heart and focuses on the grudge that she has built, “Saying sorry doesn’t take back what you said.”

“I know, if I could change what I said I would. And since I can’t, I’ll try my best to show you through my actions,” the brunette sighs as she shoves a spoon around in her bowl. “You’re just, um, there’s something about you, when I saw you I didn’t know what to think. When I came to this school I didn’t want to be here and then there you were asking to be my friend and the more I thought of it I only imagined a perfect life you had that made you so happy and confident and it made me resent you.”

“Your dad’s dead,” Clarke states, inferring from one of the lines in the brunette’s note.

The girl barely nods, “Brain cancer.”

“My dad dying really fucked me up,” Clarke leans on her elbows towards Lexa. “But not enough to make me be a bitch to anyone who is not moping constantly.”

“I deserved that,” Lexa’s voice is strangled and Clarke can see those beautiful green eyes glistening with tears. Clarke feels her heart soften and she tries to ignore the guilt rushing through her as the other girl continues, “But as we have both learned there is more to what people appear to be, who you are as a person is just what has life has shaped you to be in order to survive. I’ve done a lot to survive and I took it out on you, and maybe a sappy Hallmark card and a subpar breakfast won’t suffice but I _will_ change my actions.”

Clarke sits back with a heartbeat that is far too fast for just sitting down, “What makes you care so much about me forgiving you?”

“If someone said something like I did about my dad, I would be destroyed, destroyed in the way I could tell you were. And I want to fix that, Clarke.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Lexa raises an eyebrow.

“We don’t have to switch partners in English, we can work together on the project like adults, and see where that takes us,” Clarke finalizes her statement with a bite into her eggs.

Lexa smiles shyly and Clarke takes a moment to appreciate how beautiful it is. Within a second, the brunette has a stoic expression as she says, “You seem like you would be an amazing friend to have, Clarke.”

Clarke tries to push down the smile that it causes at her statement. She covers it by taking another bite of her breakfast at Lexa’s reply to one of the first things Clarke said to Lexa on Monday morning. She glances at her phone that says it’s only ten after and looks back up to a pair of green eyes looking softly upon her. “Why are you all sweaty?” Clarke asks after a few moments.

Lexa lets out a sweet laugh as she wipes at her sweaty brow, “I went on a run before I came here.”

The blonde grimaces at the idea of running so early in the morning, “Gross. Well if you need to shower before Calc, go ahead. You’re forgiven.”

The brunette shrugs and eats a spoonful of yogurt, “I’m fine here.”

Clarke definitely doesn’t hide the smile that crosses her face when Lexa says that. And she definitely doesn’t ignore that her heart speeds up slightly when the other girl smiles back. “So how about some topic ideas for that project?”

* * *

 

Raven’s eyebrows nearly shoot into her hairline when Clarke and Lexa walk into the lecture hall with two minutes to spare and with shy smiles on their face. Those green eyes shine at Clarke as she turns into her usual row and gives the blonde a small wave. The blonde ignores Raven who is waving frantically as Clarke nears her with some very large wide eyes.

“Excuse me, but what?” Raven exclaims causing other people to turn and stare. “Last I checked, my roomie was ranting about how awful you were Monday night after the party.”

“We got off on the wrong foot,” Clarke shrugs. “We aren’t really friends but partners on a project who are civil and don’t hate each other.”

“Are you sure? Because she yelled at me for making out with you, which by the way good work, blondie, because you are an awful, conceited-“

“We got off on the wrong foot,” Clarke interrupts. “How are you two roommates anyways?”

“Oh, um,” Raven mumbles and looks relieved when the professor starts speaking. The brunette just gives Clarke a shrug as she points at the old man who is speaking quickly about limits, which causes the blonde to hurriedly grab her notebook and start scribbling the notes. Clarke manages to keep up with the professor for the majority of class and decides to ask Raven the roommate question another time considering how weird she got about it.

For how awful having calculus at eight in the morning is, the class goes by relatively fast. Clarke packs up slowly and shoves Raven’s shoulder to wake her mid-snore. The brunette jumps to her feet yelling until she realizes where she is. Clarke chuckles and zips up her backpack and leads Raven down the stairs. Upon going down a few steps, she notices Lexa lingering upon seeing Clarke and Raven she gives them a small smile and joins them down the steps.

“Did either of you understand what he was teaching today? That was just boring and awful,” Clarke breathes.

“I did,” Raven shrugs.

“You slept the whole time,” the blonde rebuttals.

“And your point is?”

Lexa chuckles at Clarke, “Raven is brilliant, it’s kind of scary.”

“It’s always been my goal to be so intelligent that people fear me,” Raven laughs maniacally and bumps Lexa with her shoulder and surprisingly the green-eyed girl smiles, which has Clarke frowning. How do these two know each other? “Anyways, I’m gonna go sleep in some physics class for the next two hours. Have fun in your biology lecture, Party Girl. And have fun in your nerdy political crap class, roomie.”

Raven kisses Clarke’s cheek obnoxiously and blows a sarcastic kiss at a scowling Lexa as she enters an ugly building that is specifically for physics classes. Clarke looks over to Lexa who is looking down at her hands, “What’s your major anyways, Lexa?”

“Political Science, I’m assuming you’re Pre-med?”

Clarke nods, “Yeah, what do you want to do with your degree?”

Lexa nervously pulls at the backpack straps on her shoulders, “Probably go to law school and then work a government job after being a lawyer for some time.”

“Sounds like you want to be president,” Clarke chuckles and immediately stops when Lexa is blushing wildly and kicking at the pavement. The blonde’s face contorts in realization, “Oh, you do want to be the president.”

“I know it’s nerdy, but it’s not for another thirty years and I’ve always been a pretty good leader,” the brunette seems even more shy than usual and refuses to look over at the blonde.

“Don’t be ashamed of that, that’s amazing, Lexa.” Clarke nudges the pretty brunette that shoots her a shy smile that makes her heartbeat fast. “You’ve totally got my vote.”

Lexa cracks a real smile at Clarke with that one, “Thanks.” The brunette awkwardly clears her throat, “What kind of doctor do you want to be?”

“A trauma surgeon, just like my mom,” Clarke shrugs like it’s simple, she’s always been her mother’s apprentice growing up and had taken a serious liking to the field.

“Wait, Griffin? Your mom is Abby Griffin?” Lexa perks up.

Clarke tips her head at her in confusion, yes her mother is a successful surgeon but most people don’t know surgeons by name and it isn’t like her mom has cured cancer, “Abby Griffin, DO, actually. How do you know her?”

“Oh, um, my dad,” Lexa says awkwardly, clearly lying to the blonde.

“You said your dad had brain cancer, he would’ve gone to a neuro surgeon, not to my mom,” Clarke gives Lexa a wary stare.

“Well this is my stop,” Lexa gestures to the building on her right, “See you around, Clarke.”

Clarke stops and watches the other girl’s retreating form with some confusion for a few moments. She soon has to rush to her next class to get to her lecture in time seeing as she had to cross campus. It’s a boring general biology class and her professor drones on about mitosis and meiosis for a whole hour, despite it being an incredibly easy subject. She then goes to her chemistry class and her chemistry lab that has her busy until nearly six at night. When the blonde gets back to her dorm, she crashes face first into her bed whilst letting out a tired groan.

“How was your talk with Lexa?” Octavia’s voice makes Clarke jump and roll over to her back in surprise, she didn’t see her roommate when she walked in.

“Jesus, you scared me,” Clarke sighs as she glares at Octavia who is sitting behind her laptop watching an episode of some CW show.

“I didn’t really jump out at you, you just didn’t pay attention. Anyways, how was your talk?” Octavia asks as she sets her laptop aside and sits down next to Clarke. Clarke reaches over to her backpack and pulls out the card from Lexa and hands it to Octavia. She watches the other girl read over the card with a range of emotions covering her face, before she hands it back to Clarke, “Clarkey, she likes you.”

A loud laugh tears through Clarke’s throat and she ignores how her stomach has a weird feeling at her best friend’s assumption. She shoves Octavia’s shoulder, “No, she doesn’t.”

“Clarke, even if I, your best friend, said something to you like that, I wouldn’t write you a fucking novel on the bottom of a hallmark card begging for forgiveness,” Octavia laughs and pokes the card that Clarke is holding in a protective grasp. “I’m gonna call Bell, even he wouldn’t do this for you.”

“Bellamy loves me, he so would,” Clarke argues as Octavia pulls her phone out of her pocket.

“He loves you like a sister, not like a lover or something,” Octavia whispers to Clarke as she holds her phone to her ear. The blonde tries to feel annoyed at her roommate’s assumption and she feels annoyed at herself for questioning her best friend’s assumption. “Hey, Bell. How’s Seattle?”

As the siblings begin to banter, Clarke feels her phone go off and she can’t deny the slight twinge of excitement that she gets at the notification from Lexa. She waits a few minutes to respond and wastes time by eavesdropping of Octavia catching up with her brother. After listening to the brunette complain about DC for the second time in thirty seconds she opens the text from Lexa.

**Lexa Woods [6:10 p.m.]: I’ve been thinking and I think we should do our research on sexism in congress.**

**Clarke [6:15 p.m.]: This wouldn’t have to do with your desire to be Madame President, would it?**

“Clarke’s smiling at her phone, oh my goodness, she is so lame. Hold on, Bell, I have something great to read you. So this hottie in some of Clarke’s classes was a total bitch and this girl gave Clarke a fucking Hallmark card with a written apology,” Octavia laughs and rips the card from Clarke’s hands and before the blonde can think, she throws her phone at Octavia and the athletic brunette catches it in her spare hand. “Clarke, you really need to change the passcode on your phone, I’ve known it for four years now. Oh my God, Clarke just called this girl Madame President.”

Clarke feels her cheeks turn red as Octavia cackles and she can hear Bellamy laughing through the other end of the phone. She jumps to her feet and wrestles Octavia to take her phone back, in the process of doing so, she manages to rip the card that Lexa gave her. She can feel her heart drop slightly but she plays it off with a wave of the hand to Octavia. The girl mouths sorry to Clarke and the blonde just throws the card onto the desk, telling herself that she will tape it later.

The blonde’s phone goes off again and she forces herself to wait so Octavia doesn’t tease her more. Hell, twelve hours ago she would’ve fought Lexa if she really wanted, just because the other girl is beautiful doesn’t make them anything nor does it even make them friends. She opens up her laptop and starts writing a lab report for her chemistry lab and she manages to finish all through her conclusions by the time Octavia hangs up her phone. The brunette marches towards Clarke and slams her laptop closed and takes it into her hands to set in on a desk.

“Stop being a nerd and let’s go get dinner,” Octavia announces.

“You could’ve asked and not ripped my laptop out of my hand,” Clarke rolls her eyes as she moves to her laptop to quickly save the document she was working on.

Octavia shrugs, “It was more fun this way. And Bellamy said she’s totally got the hots for you.”

“Yeah, well you Blake’s are crazy,” Clarke shrugs as she opens up their dorm. They climb into the elevator and Clarke opens up her text from Lexa.

**Lexa Woods [6:20 p.m.]: Ha I knew I shouldn’t have told you, but maybe this research will launch me into congress.**

**Clarke [7:00 p.m.]: And maybe secure your vote with a loyal voter :)**

As she presses the send button, her phone is ripped out her hands. Octavia holds the phone out of Clarke’s reach, “Stop texting your girl crush and answer my question?”

“I wasn’t listening,” the blonde states obviously and crosses her arms.

“I know I asked you five times and all you were doing was smiling like an idiot at your phone telling RBF that,” Octavia quickly reads the messages and rolls her eyes, “that you were gonna vote for her? You’re so lame, Griffin.”

“RBF?” Clarke asks as she snatches her phone from Octavia’s grasp.

“Resting bitch face,” Octavia smirks as the elevator opens, her bright eyes stare intently at Clarke’s face to try and gauge her reaction. The blonde clears her mind and tries not to get irritated at the insult to Lexa, because they’re not even friends, why would she be insulted? “Wow, you’ve got some serious RBF right now, Romeo.”

“Why am I Romeo?” Clarke laughs and shoves Octavia, “What was your question anyways?”

The brunette holds the door open for her as they step outside, “Well since I know you’re going to my game Friday, I was making sure you weren’t going to get too drunk at the tailgate?”

“Do people get that drunk for Lacrosse?”

“At this school, they treat it like a football game,” Octavia shrugs. “I’m serious though, will you behave?”

“Yes, _Abby_.” Clarke rolls her eyes and chuckles when Octavia gets irritated. “Even though you’re saying I have a problem, which I _don’t_ and acting like a total mom, I will invite your future boy to the game so he can cheer you on and see how crazy warrior hot you get while playing lacrosse.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” the brunette chuckles.

“I’ll invite him tomorrow in psychology,” the blonde responds. “But who am I supposed to tailgate with if you’re not there.”

“Raven, duh.” Clarke laughs and agrees as the pair moves forward to get their dinner and she gets excited about Octavia’s game Friday.

* * *

 

The rest of the week goes by quickly. On Thursday, her and Lexa research in a comfortable silence for their English class and she ignores Octavia’s childish kissy faces she sends her way. Clarke also invites Lincoln to the game which he quickly accepts when she mentions her roommate. On Friday, the blonde is out of class by five and has a jersey whipped at her when she walks into her dorm.

“I’m running late, I have to be at the field in five minutes. Wear this to the game and I bought you face paint, it’s on your desk!” Octavia yells while scurrying around the room with a giant duffel bag with the school’s logo on it.

“Good luck!” Clarke yells out the door. She quickly pulls out her phone and dials a familiar number.

“Griffin! Come over to my dorm and get ready,” Raven answers and yells immediately. “We’re pregaming for the pregame.”

Clarke stuffs everything she needs into a bag as she exits her dorm with a key in hand, “We?”

“Well not Lexa, she’s lame and studying right now. But a couple of people and I are, so come to my building!”

“I’m in the elevator now, I’ll be there in like five minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll have Lexa let you in, because I’m having too much fun and she’s being boring as usual. She needs some of your fun in her life. Wink,” Raven yells.

The blonde laughs as she exits her building, “Did you just say ‘wink’ out loud?”

“Well duh, you can’t see my face and I wanted you to know I’m being suggestive.”

“Wow, someone is a little drunk,” Clarke comments. “But what has Octavia told you?”

“Nothing,” Raven giggles and drags out the word like it is not nothing. “Are you here yet?”

“No, Raven, it’s only been like thirty seconds.” Clarke chuckles.

“I’m going to send Lexa out now, bye!”

The other girl hangs up on her and the blonde tucks her phone away. She walks silently as Octavia’s words from Wednesday echo in her mind, her best friend asking her not to drink. She doesn’t understand why it’s such a problem. And Octavia knows that Clarke has been having constant nightmares about her dad and she can only busy herself so much with school until at resting points in the day where her thoughts are filled with guilt over her father. It’s not her fault that alcohol makes it better for her.

“Hello, Clarke,” the blonde startles out of her thinking when she sees Lexa walking towards her. The other girl has her long brown locks in a series of intricate braids and she has a black Polis University sweatshirt on that is way too big on her. She looks cute. The blonde wants to punch herself on her sternum for the spike she feels in her heartbeat when her eyes connect with those green orbs, even though biological she knows that would do nothing to slow it down.

“Hey,” she croaks out, “Are you ready for the game?”

The brunette nods as she turns to walk with Clarke towards her building, “Yes, I had to get ready early, before Raven’s flock of friends came into the dorm drinking like they want their liver to fail.”

Clarke lets out a slight laugh, “You’re not fully ready, I have face paint and I plan to put it on everyone.”

Lexa just nods. “Do you know much about lacrosse, Clarke?”

“Not much, I just always went to all of Octavia’s games. I would always just enjoy seeing Octavia basically beat other girls with a stick.”

“That sounds like her style,” Lexa shoots Clarke a small smile as she unlocks the door to her building and holds the door open.

“Thanks,” she mumbles as she slides past the girl and feels a warmth in her stomach at Lexa’s smile. They climb into an elevator that is incredibly slow and incredibly small that has her heart racing as Lexa’s shoulder brushes hers. Clarke reminds herself in a mantra in her brain that they are just partners in a class, not even friends. But then Octavia’s teasing echoes in her brain and she nearly sprints out of the elevator when the doors open. Clarke follows the noise towards a room down the hall that distinctly has Raven hollering.

“Party Girl!” Raven yells when Clarke lets herself in. She rushes towards Clarke and presses a cup in her hand, “Octavia told me I couldn’t let you drink, but it will be our little secret.”

Clarke stiffens and feels anger boiling in her gut at Octavia trying to cut her off to Raven, so she covers it up with a smirk and tosses the drink back. Her face turns in disgust, “Oh god, Raven was that a cup full of straight tequila?”

“Yes,” she laughs.

Clarke can already feel the oncoming effects of the alcohol and shrugs it off. She slings her arm around Raven, completely ignoring Lexa in the doorway. “Introduce me to your friends.”

“Okay, well there’s Wick, Finn, and-“ she begins and a head of dark shaggy hair spins around and Clarke takes in his big brown eyes and she lights up like a Christmas tree.

“Bellamy!” she exclaims and runs to him to wrap him in a tight hug. She steps back and shoves him lightly, her heart is pounding in excitement, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“Do you really think missing my sister’s first college game was going to happen? Living across the country wasn’t going to stop me, I caught a flight over and contacted Raven, because Octavia told me about her and I figured I could surprise both of you.” Bellamy shrugs with an infectious smile.

“What a great surprise!” Clarke exclaims and Bellamy gives her a mischievous smirk and she lets out something like a squeal and hugs Bellamy again.

When Clarke spins around, she sees Lexa sitting gingerly on the edge of what seems to be her bed due to the fact that it is pristine on that side of the room. She takes in the girl’s expression, the brunette is staring down into her lap where her hands are balled into fists. Clarke shrugs it off and turns to catch up with Bellamy, when she sees another familiar face. “Finn?”

“Party Girl, I was thinking you didn’t recognize me,” he smiles an infectious smile at Clarke and hands her a beer.

“How could I forget you?” she smirks and bumps his shoulder.

“Clarke, Octavia told me that you have face paint let’s get this show on the road!” Raven yells, stepping in between Clarke and Finn. “I want you to paint Octavia’s number here!” She pulls her shirt up exposing her stomach. Clarke shrugs and paints the number 22 onto a flat stomach with her fingers and she feels Lexa’s eyes on the side of her head the whole time.

“You’re all set, anything else?” Clarke asks.

“Raven can’t use all of it, I have to support my little sister,” Bellamy slings his arm around Raven and levels his eyes with Clarke. “You know the drill same as it always was in high school.”

Clarke rolls her eyes and she hears Lexa scoff, “Am I the group artist or something?”

“Well you are insanely good at art, Clarke,” Bellamy rolls his eyes.

“Really, Princess? Smart, artsy, great kisser, you’re the whole package!” Raven nudges Clarke and the blonde rolls her eyes.

Clarke tosses the face paint at Bellamy and plops down onto the bed next to Lexa who is staring at her. She just shrugs and ignore Bellamy’s questioning look about her and Raven. Clarke chances a look at the brunette next to her who has her green eyes trained heavily on Bellamy who stares at Clarke. “I’m not painting you, Bell. You’re like my brother I don’t want to paint your chest.” He scoffs as he goes into the bathroom to glance in the mirror. Lexa looks back at Clarke and the blonde just shrugs, ignoring the lurch in her stomach at the eye contact, “Do you want me to paint you or do you want to paint yourself?”

Lexa’s defined cheekbones turn a light shade of pink as she looks away and towards Raven who is using a hair dryer on her stomach to dry the paint as Wick and Finn watch in awe. The brunette sitting next to Clarke suddenly gets shy and shrugs, “I’m fine, don’t want you guys running out.”

“No, we won’t run out. Besides, the mascot is a warrior and I think that I can think of some sexy warrior face paint for you, if you’re fine with that,” Clarke feels her cheeks turn red after she says the word sexy and Lexa quickly looks away from her blue eyes.

“Uh, sure,” the eloquent girl stutters out and jumps to her feet to go over to Raven. She takes the drink out of Raven’s hand and chugs it.

“Woah, who the fuck are you and what did you do with Lexa?” Raven laughs as Lexa’s face crinkles up.

“I figured I would see what this whole alcohol hype was, I’m not a fan,” she rushes to the mini fridge and pulls out a water.

“Drink a soda, it will help with the burning,” Clarke says, she feels a smirk forming on her face. Lexa is nervous, she’s nervous because of Clarke and she can’t help but feel a burst of confidence. Bellamy walks out of the bathroom with his face painted half red and half black with his sister’s number written under each eye and a jersey painted onto his bare abdomen. She laughs and grabs the face paint from him along with her duffel bag, “I knew you could do it.”

Clarke closes the bathroom door behind her and changes into the jersey Octavia gave her. She quickly does a design on her face that looks good but something that is appropriate for a sporting event. She quickly pulls out a flask that she had hidden at the bottom and downs the whole thing in a matter of five minutes. She won’t get too shitfaced, she reminds herself when she puts the empty flask back in the bag, Octavia will never know and she’ll get the happy buzz that she needs to forget. She steps out of the bathroom and sees everyone but Lexa playing an intense game of Flip Cup. She plops down onto the bed next to Lexa, the brunette is staring at her phone and shuts it off as soon as Clarke comes near her.

“Do you want me to paint your face now?” she asks, her speech slower than usual.

Lexa nods, “Can you make me a drink first?”

“Is this your first time drinking?” the blonde asks as she jumps to her feet. When the brunette gives her a small nod, Clarke grabs the bottle of vodka off the mini fridge and pours about two shots in and fills the rest up with the Sprite that sits next to it. She mixes it and hands it to the brunette who is fumbling with her phone in her hand and has a set of panicked green eyes, “You don’t have to drink it if you don’t want. Nobody here is pressuring you.”

Lexa takes a small sip, “I just want to forget some stuff.”

“You’re taking a leaf out of my book, I see,” Clarke notes as she pulls the black face paint out of her duffel bag. “Is it about your dad? That’s why I do it.”

The nervous brunette takes a large gulp of her drink, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Clarke nods in understanding and takes the cup out of Lexa’s hand, setting it on the floor, “Pacing yourself is a key, especially when you’re only at the pregame.” Clarke hesitates as she puts her right hand out, grabbing the other girl’s defined chin lightly. She watches Lexa’s eyes widen and her breathing shortens when she realizes how close she is to the other girl. The blonde dips two of her fingers in the black paint and takes advantage of Lexa’s hairstyle to drag her fingers from her temples towards her eyes. She can feel those green eyes staring intently at her but she focuses on making Lexa’s remarkable cheekbones and button nose look the best with the paint. She runs her fingers down into streaks under Lexa’s shaded eyes and tries not to focus on her soft skin or how those cheekbones feel perfect under her fingers. Lexa is art, her face is remarkably beautiful and Clarke has to lean over and take a sip of Lexa’s drink to stop thinking like that about the girl that was a raging bitch to her five days ago. She finishes Lexa’s face paint in record time, because she can only handle Lexa staring at Clarke’s eyes in such close proximity for so long.

“Shit,” Raven plops onto the bed next to Lexa, “that looks really good.”

Clarke shrugs as she walks into the bathroom to wash her hands quickly. Raven is busy taking selfies with Lexa when she comes back out. She uses it as an opportunity to sneak the vodka bottle and pour it into her flask for later. She hides the flask in the back pocket of her jeans.

“Hey are you ready to leave?” Raven asks.

Clarke nods and the group heads towards the stadium. Bellamy tosses an arm around her shoulder. The pair catches up for the few weeks that they’ve been apart. Bellamy is a sophomore at Arkadia College in Seattle for a football scholarship. She’s surprised that he was even able to make it out here, but it’s amazing to see one of her best friends, plus he will distract Octavia so she won’t notice Clarke’s drinking after the game.

Once they’re outside the stadium and tailgating among most of the other students of the large university, Raven grabs Clarke and pulls her towards a table that has been made into a make shift beer pong table. Raven and Clarke take on a pair of seniors and win easily, with her partying habits and Raven’s intelligence (she uses angles and physics to sink the ball in) they win easily. The pair stay at the table until Finn and Bellamy play against them and because of Bellamy the beer pong master, the pair lose by a slim margin.

Clarke feeling dizzy, plops down into a chair next to Lexa. The brunette is sitting quietly and sipping on a red cup, which Clarke assumes is full of beer. “How’s your first time coming about?”

Lexa coughs on her drink, “Spinning a little.”

Clarke takes Lexa’s cup and takes a big gulp, “You seem to have a low tolerance.”

Lexa begins to respond as Raven plops into her lap. She is a giggling mess and hides her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck. The green-eyed girl simply wraps her arms around her roommate and smiles weakly at Clarke. It leaves the blonde wondering how someone is so close to Lexa, who had she let in so much that she lets her sit in her lap without snapping at her. She really wonders of how the pair knows each other as Raven whispers something in Lexa’s ear that makes her blush wildly.

“Lexa’s the best, Clarke,” Raven slurs as she sips on a beer in her hand.

“I’ll be taking that, you’ve had enough,” Lexa takes the beer out of Raven’s grip and hides it under the chair. Her cheeks are a deep shade of red and Clarke ignores the pang in her stomach at the idea that the pair may be a couple.

“I’m sure, just tough on the outside,” Clarke hums to Raven.

“But soooo sweet on the inside,” Raven slurs and leans towards Clarke.

“I’ll take your word on it,” the blonde says as she stares at the blushing girl sitting under Raven.

“I know she was mean to you at first, but she has her reasons that you wouldn’t understand. She’s misunderstood and such an amazing, lovely sweetheart,” Raven punctuates her words by grabbing both sides of Lexa’s face and squeezing her cheeks that are turning an even darker shade of crimson.

“So I’m assuming you guys knew each other before college,” Clarke asks only looking at Raven.

Raven nods enthusiastically, “Yeah, yeah. I met Lexa a few months ago at a grief support group. You know tragedy makes the best buddies.”

Raven tries to keep slurring on about the memory, but Lexa shoves Raven off of her causing the drunk brunette to fall on her ass on the pavement. Lexa looking severely embarrassed and angry storms away and disappears into a crowd of people. Clarke helps Raven to her feet and looks after the angry brunette. Clarke is confused to say the least, she knows about Lexa’s dad, and the idea of a grief support group doesn’t seem surprising, but the way she acted seemed like there was more to it. She wonders if the brunette had more to hide and didn’t want Clarke knowing.

“I was trying to be a wingman for her, did it work?” Raven asks.

Processing the whole situation, Clarke ignores the drunk girl who Bellamy is now attending to. She pulls out her phone and tries calling Lexa, but gets her voicemail right away. She hangs up and tries calling three more times until she leaves a message.

“Lexa, please come back. You’re both drunk and she obviously told me something that you didn’t want me to know. We don’t have to talk about it, I won’t ask questions. Just come back so I know you’re safe,” Clarke hangs up her phone and sighs.

“Go look for her, I’ve got Raven covered,” Bellamy announces.

Clarke nods and heads off into the direction that Lexa stormed off to. It doesn’t take longer than thirty seconds of shoving until she finds herself by a keg where people are chanting and she witnesses one of the most surprising images of her life. Lexa is held up by two huge dudes on top of the keg, doing a keg stand. Clarke tries not to look at the girl’s tanned abdomen that is exposed from being upside down. She settles on letting out a sigh of relief. Lexa is set down less than twenty seconds later and she stumbles upon being set on the ground.

“Lexa,” Clarke calls. The brunette turns and stares at Clarke like a deer caught in the headlights until she turns and sprints away. Clarke groans and races through the crowd of people until she finds Lexa covering her eyes behind a truck. The blonde sighs and sits down next to her, “I can see you.”

“I can’t,” Lexa uncovers her eyes and Clarke sees a pair of misty eyes staring back at her.

“We don’t have to talk about it, Raven didn’t mean to tell me. Just don’t run off and do more keg stands,” the blonde jokes.

“She wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, this was supposed to be my fresh start,” Lexa sobs as tears rush down her face.

“And it still is, I’m not going to ask. I don’t like talking about my dad either, because I’m the reason he died,” the blonde sympathizes.

“This isn’t about my dad,” Lexa drunkenly sobs. She buries her face into Clarke’s shoulder and the blonde tries to not stiffen at the contact. The blonde’s mind is racing, what is worse than her dad dying of brain cancer that caused her to go to a support group and react this negatively? She wraps a supporting arm around Lexa’s shoulders which causes the girl’s shoulders to wreck in a sob. “I miss her so much,” she cries.

Clarke doesn’t ask, she just wraps both of her arms around Lexa as the girl continues to sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to do the commander face paint haha. I'm pretty proud of how fast this updated! Tell me what you think!


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of suicide from here on out.

It doesn’t even take five minutes until Clarke is holding back Lexa’s hair as she pukes onto the pavement. The blonde lays a soothing hand in between two prominent shoulder blades and she feels Lexa heaving and sobbing. She tries to tell her some words of encouragement but all Lexa does is just sob in between her vomiting. A random girl stops by and asks if everything is okay and Clarke asks her to get some water and food.

When Lexa stops vomiting and the random girl brings Clarke a water bottle and a burger that she managed to steal from a grill, Clarke wraps an arm around Lexa’s waist and pulls her to her feet. Lexa puts most of her body weight onto Clarke and the blonde feels warmth radiate from where they touch all the way to her toes. She focuses on the drunk crying girl instead of how she is making her feel. She hands the water to Lexa, “Drink this and we will head back to the group and you can sit.”

Lexa sips on the water and manages to spill most of it on Clarke while the blonde struggles to keep them upright. She is panting and her whole body is buzzing by the time she finds the group going crazy around a keg. Bellamy spots Clarke and rushes over to sling Lexa’s other arm over his shoulder and get her to a chair.

“Thanks, Bell.” Clarke breathes out as she wipes away at the water on Lexa’s chin. “She went and did a keg stand and it’s her first time drinking.”

Bellamy winced, “Yeah that will do it.”

“Hey, Lexa,” Clarke puts both her hands on a firm jawline after setting the burger in the brunette’s lap. “Why don’t you eat this food it will make you feel better.” She struggles to get a pair of cloudy green eyes to focus on her, but eventually Lexa grabs the burger and takes a messy bite.

“I’ll go get a couple of waters,” Bellamy announces.

Clarke grabs his arms as he’s about to go, “Go have fun, I’ve got her covered.”

“I’m just getting some waters, besides it can’t just be you helping her, you’re drunk too,” he laughs and walks away as Clarke shouts the word ‘barely’ at his back.

“This is good,” Lexa says with a mouth full of food. “Can you get Raven for me?”

“Why?” Clarke asks skeptically.

“I’m mad at her for embarrassing me in front of you,” those full pink lips form into the most adorable pout and Clarke tries to stay serious.

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed, I didn’t laugh at you. I’m not going to ask about it. Don’t be mad at her,” the blonde places a comforting hand on Lexa’s arm.

“I don’t even know why I’m so upset,” the brunette takes a bite of her burger, “I hated you like a couple days ago.”

“Yeah, why is that? I mean, I didn’t like you because you were rude, but why were you rude in the first place, I know you said it was because I seemed privileged and didn’t have any problems but that’s how most people at this school are,” Clarke digs, she knows Lexa told her that Clarke rubbed her the wrong way, but she wants to see if there is anything else that the brunette is hiding.

“Okay, but it’s a secret,” Lexa puts a finger against her lips causing the blonde to giggle. “You’re pretty and it made me think about you and start to forget my ex and I don’t want to do that. You were the first person who I had actually looked at since her. That’s why I’m drinking, I want to forget about you.”

Clarke furrows her brow as she processes her words, “Why?”

“I have a couple waters and some more carbs to help drunky over here,” Bellamy puts a plate of food and waters beside Clarke’s kneeling form.

“Thanks,” she tries to sound genuine at his kindness but she wishes he hadn’t interrupted Lexa. “Lexa, why don’t you eat some of this food? It will make you feel better.”

The brunette continues to stuff her face as Bellamy and Clarke watch her closely. It is only a few tense moments later that Raven comes over with her arm comically wrapped around Lincoln’s shoulder, “Look who I found! He said he was looking for you, Clarkey.”

“Hey,” Clarke gets to her feet and faces the towering man, “are you excited to watch Octavia play?”

He nods and this causes Bellamy to quickly stand, squaring up his shoulders, and introducing himself as Octavia’s brother. The two chat about football after Bellamy interrogates the poor guy and Clarke turns her attention back to Lexa who is currently glaring at Raven.

“Ease up,” Clarke orders.

“Raven, I’m mad at you,” Lexa yells at the girl who is currently flirting with Wick.

The girl turns and stumbles towards Lexa, plopping into her lap and kissing her cheeks, “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am,” the red faced brunette mumbles. “You embarrassed me.”

“In front of Clarkey? Don’t worry, she totally has the hots for you too,” Raven tries to whisper but it ends up being her yelling.

With her heart beating painfully against her ribs, the blonde who is blushing for the first time in forever says, “No, I don’t.”

Raven rolls her eyes, “Denial isn’t only a river in Egypt, or however that joke goes.”

“I don’t either, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Raven,” Lexa slurs and hides her face behind her hands.

“You both are exhausting,” Raven hops off of Lexa’s lap, grabs Wick’s hand and literally skips away.

“It’s okay, Lexa,” Clarke squeezes the girl’s arm. “We don’t have to talk about any of this.”

The brunette nods at the girl and Clarke struggles with the idea of grabbing a drink. She takes one look at the keg a few feet away and then a look back at Lexa who is falling asleep on her food. Her heart is echoing in her ears as she lets out a sigh and sits down in a chair next to Lexa and maybe she is very drunk, because the next thing she does is grab Lexa’s hand.

* * *

 

The pair is relatively sober upon the last few minutes of the game. Clarke is sandwiched between a drunk Bellamy and Lexa who is sobering up. Bellamy is at the point where he is screaming obnoxiously for his sister who is dominating the field and has yet to sit the bench. Lexa on the other hand went from apologizing profusely to sitting silently, her fingers are still laced with Clarke’s but neither has let go nor acknowledged it. To avoid thinking about the whole tailgating fiasco, Clarke distracts herself by talking to Lincoln who is watching in awe of Octavia and flinches every time Bellamy screams in his ear.

When there is less than five minutes left in the game, Lexa stands abruptly, ripping her hand from Clarke’s, grabs her stuff while scrubbing at her cheeks, and nearly runs away. It takes Clarke a moment to notice, she is too busy celebrating Octavia’s goal, but she manages to see the scurrying brunette in time. She quickly excuses herself to Bellamy and chases after the girl.

She manages to catch up to Lexa when she exits the stadium and is in a trashed parking lot, “Lexa, wait!”

The other girl tenses and spins around, “No, Clarke leave me alone.”

“Where are you going?” the blonde counters.

“Back to my dorm,” she says shortly and spins on her foot.

“Wait, why? Don’t you want to hang out with us after?” Clarke asks.

Lexa spins again and her face is a deep crimson and her face paint is smudged, that’s when Clarke notices the tears running down her face. “No! I don’t want to watch a bunch of drunk imbeciles making idiots out of themselves. Raven broke a promise to me and has some mission to set me up with you and I can’t fucking handle it!”

Clarke flinches when the girl curses.

“It took me getting sober and thinking all game to realize that she was doing that and you weren’t stopping her. Fuck, you were holding my hand the whole time. I don’t want to move on, Clarke, and I don’t want you,” Lexa yells.

The blonde feels a heavy pang in her chest as her stomach drops to her feet. The deep feeling of rejection causes her pain to turn into fuming anger, “Just because I wasn’t stopping your drunk roommate doesn’t mean I like you. Last I checked drunk girl’s hold the hands all the time, I’m sorry you were such a fucking mess that I was trying to calm you down. To be clear, I don’t; you are whiney and judgmental and I don’t think even your looks can get me to look passed that. You’re deciding to make yourself miserable, I don’t know what’s happened to you with your ex that made you such a bitch but leave me the hell out of it.”

Clarke doesn’t realize that she is getting closer to the other girl until they are standing toe to toe. She watches a pair of watery green eyes gaze closely into hers. The buzzer in the stadium goes off as Lexa takes a shaky step backwards, “You don’t know anything. Fuck, leave me alone.”

“Lexa!” Clarke yells as the girl turns around and storms off.

The blonde doesn’t even move, she just stares off where the girl stormed off. People start flooding the parking lot and she just digs her nails into her fist. Her stomach feels like it has dropped to her feet and she can feel herself shaking with anger. She hears someone call her name and she spins around ready for a fight.

It’s Finn.

Finn the cute boy from the party that could distract her. Maybe help her get her anger out. She knows he wants her, unlike Lexa who isn’t even relevant at this point. She walks up to him and takes his drink out of his hand and chugs it quickly, this whole getting sober thing was overrated anyways.

“Woah, slow down there. Octavia is looking for you, they won,” he nods and Clarke follows him. “What happened with Lexa? She looked pretty upset.”

The blonde takes a few breathes to try and calm down, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you guys like a thing?”

“Why, are you jealous?” Clarke smirks and turns it back to Finn trying to get the brunette girl out of her mind.

Finn smirks at her, “I don’t know, I guess I blamed myself for not texting you after you gave me your number. You’re so pretty and awesome, I should’ve guessed someone would’ve swooped you up.”

Some of her anger dissipates a sweet feeling settles in her stomach that makes her give him a small smile, “No, Lexa and I are not together. Why didn’t you text me anyways?”

He shrugs and holds the door to the stadium open for her, “I just figured that you were so drunk you wouldn’t remember the random guy you gave your number to.”

She shrugs, “Valid reasoning. I’m a bit of a drinker though, it takes me over a fifth to black out.”

Finn blinks with wide eyes, “Wow, you have a better tolerance than most guys.”

“That’s what I say, but according to Octavia it isn’t something to be proud of, she says it’s alcoholic behavior or something,” the blonde rolls her eyes. “I’m not an alcoholic,” she reassures as they walk up to the big group of their friends.

Octavia spots Clarke and sprints at her, the blonde genuinely laughs as she braces herself when the sweaty brunette launches her whole body at her, “I did so good, oh my god!”

Clarke continues to laugh as she sets her best friend down to her feet, “I’m proud of you, even with that awful ego.”

Octavia smirks and wraps her arm around Clarke’s shoulder, “You love it! This calls for a celebration, there’s a party at the boys lacrosse house, we are all totally going!”

“Are you going to let me drink, _mom_?” Clarke jokes.

“You already smell like the inside of a brewery, so you’ve already made your choice.”

The blonde sighs and walks towards Raven as Octavia starts conversing excitedly with Bellamy. Raven is notably less drunk but still pretty wasted, she is all over Wick and the blonde girl grabs her shirt and pulls her to her. “Hey, I just wanted to tell you Lexa went back to your dorm pretty angry.”

Raven straightens her posture and sobers immediately, “What’s wrong? I should probably go back.”

“No, don’t. She was being really irrational and blew up on me because I was drunkenly holding her hand and you were trying to set us up and I wasn’t stopping you. Some stupid shit about how she is refusing to move on from her ex,” Clarke plays it off and Raven’s posture stiffens even more.

“Okay, I’m going to see you guys later,” she announces to the group. She turns back to Clarke, “If you said anything bitchy about her ex apologize, seriously this is some deep shit that you don’t understand.”

“What?” She asks, shocked. “Why do you both keep saying that? And don’t tell me to apologize.”

“I’m not kidding, you need to do it.”

“Raven, no. I have nothing to apologize for, she yelled at me after I took care of her!”

“This is not up for discussion, seriously apologize to her, now.”

“Why? What about her ex is so bad that I _must_ apologize?”

Raven massages her forehead stressfully, “It’s not my business to tell you, but please just do it. I need you to, maybe not tonight but do it tomorrow. Honestly, if you don’t I’ll just hack your phone and do it myself. Lexa is really fragile about this.”

“Okay, I trust you. Whatever.” The blonde acquiesces and the brunette nearly runs away.

“What was that all about?” Finn asks, suddenly at her side again.

“I honestly don’t know, I don’t understand that duo,” the blonde responds. She faces Finn, “Are you going to the party with us?”

“Of course,” he fixes Clarke with a smile that makes the blonde smirk.

“So that Wick guy left because Raven left,” Octavia announces as she glances around at their smaller circle. “Let’s go get some food then get fucked up!”

* * *

 

Clarke wakes up the next morning in a bed that definitely isn’t hers. The room smells distinctly male, there are socks and laundry all over the floor and a scratchy navy blanket covers her. Her head feels like a bullet is ricocheting around her skull and that thought alone makes bile rise in her throat. After taking in her surroundings, all she can think is _please don’t be naked_ , she slowly lifts the blanket covering her and stares under. She cringes when she sees a lack of clothes, she sighs as dread settles in her stomach like lead. The blonde glares around the room and sees nobody around, she grabs her head and tries to remember.

All she remembers is being angry with Lexa, which caused her to party wildly, even for her. She bought a fifth from a liquor store and was chugging from it at the party. She has memories of grinding on random people, trying to outdrink Finn, and throwing up outside. But she can’t remember going home with anyone. She quickly climbs out of bed, looking for her phone and clothes. The blonde manages to dress quickly and feels her heart hammering as she looks for her phone. She eventually finds her iPhone that has an almost dead battery, it lies next to a garbage can and it makes her heart stop. Not her phone, but what is in the open trash can. Tears fall out of her eyes and her heart feels heavy while she stares into the waste basket.

It’s a condom.

Her heart feels like it’s about to stop. She clearly had sex with a random guy and she doesn’t remember. She wipes at her face and tries to control the tears. She has never done anything like this before. Sure, she has partied and made questionable choices and she’s blacked out before too. But she has never slept with a random person and not remembered it.

Clarke snatches her phone, ready to run out of the room so she can cry in bed all Saturday. She hears a lock turning in the door and she curses to herself, she’s about to meet the guy she fucked for the first time. Her heart is nearly stopped as she waits for the door to open. It’s Finn, he’s holding a bag with a Dunkin Donuts logo and two coffees. Clarke lets out a sigh of relief that it was someone she knew but it doesn’t stop the dread she feels.

“Oh good, you’re still here,” Finn voices and hands her a coffee. “Do you remember last night at all?”

She doesn’t trust herself to speak, because she knows her voice would break. Clarke decides on shaking her head at him.

“Okay, well me neither,” Finn announces. “I don’t know if we had sex.”

Clarke clears her throat and interrupts, “We, uh, we did. Condom in the garbage.”

Finn nods with a frown, “I’m sorry if I took advantage of you in any way-“

“Finn, you don’t remember either. We were obviously both wasted, it was just a mistake, not your fault,” she interrupts.

They both share a sad look and Finn hands her the bag, “There are some donuts in there. Um, do you need money for the morning after pill? Like just to be safe.”

She shakes her head, “No, I have an IUD. We’re good.” She feels heavy and gross as she looks back at the bed, “I should go.”

Finn nods, “Okay, I’m sorry.”

Clarke looks over her shoulder at the door, “Yeah, me too.”

She lasts until she’s outside the dorm building to break down. Her back slides against the brick wall as she sinks to the grass in yesterday’s clothes with no recollection of last night. Dread and regret fills her gut as she wipes at her tears. It takes her a few seconds to get on her feet and rush to her dorm and all she can think of is how much she fucked up.

She makes it to her dorm quickly with tears still dripping to her chin. She unlocks the door, ready to throw herself into her bed a sob, but she notices Octavia sleeping in her bed and Lincoln sleeping in Octavia’s bed. She lets out a sob and storms out of her room, she can’t go in there. Clarke tries calling Bellamy to see where he is but all she gets is voicemail. The blonde plops down on a bench and tries to control her tears as she comes to her last resort.

“Hey, Clarke,” Raven greets as answers her phone. “What’s up?”

“Raven, I fucked up,” her voice cracks as she chokes out the words.

“Where are you?”

“Outside your building,” Clarke can no longer control the tears as they flow uncontrollably.

“Okay, I’m coming down to let you in,” Raven quickly hangs up and the blonde rushes to stand outside the door. It is only thirty seconds later that Raven is swinging open the door and enveloping Clarke in a hug. “Let’s get you upstairs, okay?”

“But Lexa –“

“Lexa can suck it up, we are going to change you out of last night’s clothes and let you cry,” Raven insists as she tugs Clarke into the elevator. Raven pulls the coffee and bag of donuts out of Clarke’s hands as they walk towards her door. “We have company, dear!”

Raven kicks the door open and reveals Lexa sitting primly in her bed. Her hair is done up in a messy bun and she has thick black glasses on, she looks up from her laptop and Clarke’s stomach feels a thousand times lighter, that is until Lexa frowns at her and it all comes crashing back down.

“Be nice,” Raven points and squints at her roommate. “Clarke brought some treats.” She tosses Lexa the bag and hands her the drink. Raven looks back at Clarke, “I figured you didn’t want those.”

“No, uh, Finn pity bought them,” she chokes out and Raven ushers her onto her bed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Raven asks.

Clarke shakes her head with a set of wet eyes, “I only came here, because Octavia had Lincoln over when I tried to go back to the dorm.”

“Just cry it out and we can get some food after,” Raven squeezes Clarke in a hug and gets up. The brunette walks over to her fridge and pulls out a water. She tosses it to Clarke and searches for some Motrin.

While the blonde does feel like she has been sucker punched in the face, both physically and emotionally, she can’t find herself able to cry about last night. Not when a set of green eyes are staring questioningly at her from behind a pair of glasses. She ignores the drop in her stomach when she realizes that she looks like a typical girl doing the walk of shame.

Raven’s phone starts ringing loudly and her face drops when she looks at the screen, “I have to take this real quick.”

The brunette leaves the room with a frown on her face and Clarke cringes when she levels with a set of green eyes in dead silence. Her stomach churns and she has to wipe at tears prickling at the corners of her eyes every couple seconds. It’s not until Raven is gone for about five minutes, which feels like five hours, until Lexa speaks up.

“I’m sorry about yesterday, I was drunk and out of line. There’s just a lot of backstory with my ex and I took it out on you when all you were doing was trying to help,” Lexa says evenly.

“I’m sorry too,” Clarke cringes when her voice breaks.

“You don’t need to be. What happened to you last night?” the brunette asks.

“I was really pissed and I blacked out after the game,” she sighs.

“That’s my fault, I’m sorry.”

“Hey guys, sorry it was my bitch of a mother calling,” Raven mumbles as she busts back in the room.

“What the hell did she want?” Lexa’s voice suddenly sounds vicious as she jumps to her feet.

Raven instead looks at the blonde, “Clarke, why don’t you shower? Wash the face paint and Finn off.”

“She’s not trying to sound bitchy,” Lexa reassures when Clarke flinches. “Her mom does this to her.”

“Yeah, just like how the mention of Costia makes you roll up into a ball of self-pity,” Raven snaps as she reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a fifth, which the sight of almost causes Clarke to vomit.

Lexa looks wounded at Raven’s words and the blonde quickly retreats to the bathroom. She strips and jumps into the shower and her mind whirls at the baggage that both of those girls have. She tries to focus on the arguing roommates outside the door rather than Finn’s hands on her. It doesn’t work and the blonde’s salty tears mix in with the water on her face. Her body wrecks in ugly sobs and she lays on the floor of the shower in a tiny ball as her mind tries to conjure an image of Finn fucking her, but she can’t even remember. What has she become? She is so busy binge drinking over her dad that she blacked out and doesn’t remember fucking a guy. God, if her dad could see her now. She manages to stick her head out the curtain to puke into the toilet at the thought that her dad would be disappointed in her. She rests her head on her knees that are hugged to her body and closes her eyes as the same thought haunts her until she falls asleep.

She wakes up when the door opens and her name is being whispered, “Clarke,” it’s Lexa’s soft voice echoing in the steamy room. Her whole body shivers and it’s not because the water is freezing. “You’ve been in here for two hours, are you okay?”

It takes the blonde a moment to realize that her teeth are chattering. She hears the curtain open tentatively and she meets a pair of green eyes. Lexa tries to look up at the ceiling but her eyes keep looking back at Clarke, not that her body is on display she can only see her back. The brunette leans over to turn the water off and heat radiates off her. “Clarke, you’re shivering.”

“I fell asleep,” she mumbles as the other girl wraps a towel around her.

“Why? You’re not even drunk,” Lexa tries to crack a smile as she rubs her hand on the towel covering Clarke’s back, which suddenly makes Clarke’s body feel very hot.

“So, I could forget that my dad would be disappointed in me,” she sobs by the time the sentence leaves her mouth. That’s when Lexa shushes her and climbs into the shower. Clarke feels a set of sinewy arms wrap around her tightly from behind, pressing the towel into her skin. She can feel how stiff Lexa’s posture is, but it all causes her to relax and for her sobs to soften.

“Sometimes I think Costia would be disappointed in me,” Lexa whispers into her hair that is caked onto her face. Clarke turns slightly to look at Lexa who has her eyes shut and her pouty lips in a frown, “That’s my ex’s name. She, uh, she jumped off an overpass a year ago.”

Lexa’s arms are at her side and Clarke spins around at the sentence causing her towel to drop, coincidentally when Lexa opens her eyes. Eyes that widen as her cheeks redden. She slaps a hand over her eyes and jumps out of the tub. The brunette sits on the edge with her back to the blonde that is trying to cover up. Once she is covered, her eyes focus in on Lexa who is shaking. She can almost feel her sobs vibrating the tub that they’re so violent. Clarke feels her own tears forming as she puts a comforting hand on the other girl’s lower back. Her mind is spinning as everything falls into place. Lexa has acted the way she did because Costia killed herself and Clarke suddenly feels awful, that isn’t something that someone can just move on from.

“I’m sorry,” Clarke whispers.

“That’s why I swore off of moving on or ever loving again. All love does is cause pain, pain that can’t be fixed.” The brunette stands abruptly and motions to the counter without looking at Clarke, “There are some clothes for you to change into.”

Before Clarke can even register, the door is slammed shut. She waits a few moments before rising and changing into a sweatshirt and a pair of sweats. The blonde throws her matted hair into a bun and tip toes out of the bathroom. Raven is passed out with an empty bottle laying next to her along with a trashcan and Lexa is laying on her back staring at the ceiling with wet green eyes.

The blonde sits gingerly on the edge of Lexa’s bed and lays a hand on her shoulder causing the girl to look at her. “I know you swore off of moving on or love, and now this all makes sense why you didn’t like me at first. But you didn’t swear off of friends, and I could be your friend. Friends help each other through stuff like this, you don’t only have to depend on Raven.”

“But I’m attracted to you, I remember telling you something like that yesterday. And Clarke, I can’t.”

Her heart beats wildly against her ribs at Lexa’s confession but pushes the feeling away, “I don’t expect you do pursue anything. We can just ignore it and we can be friends. I want to be your friend, Lexa.”

The brunette gives her the most beautiful smile and nods in agreement. Lexa motions for Clarke to lay beside her and once she does, she grabs her hand. The blonde suddenly feels her skin come alive and her heart won’t quit it. _Shit, this is going to be hard._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry this took a bit! I'm really busy and I'm trying to make this the best that it can be. Tell me what you think! Leave comments, kudos, or whatever I still don't know how this works lol. Follow me on tumbler at bish-bi and tell me what you think! Thanks :)


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is a nice balance of cute but gets heavy. Mentions of suicide and suicide attempts.

It turns out being friends with Lexa is harder than it seemed. In the matter of the first two months of college, they have managed to become extremely close. Clarke doesn’t know when it starts, but the pair start texting every day. And one night when she facetimes Lexa while visiting Abby back home, the brunette smiles widely and Clarke screenshots it. She recalls staring at the picture for hours and whenever her mind would wander the next couple days and she knows that’s when she’s in deep.

Currently, she’s sitting on Lexa’s bed as she waits for Raven to return with food. Clarke has been hiding out in their room a lot considering a few weeks ago Octavia and Lincoln started dating. Lexa is sitting at the end of the bed with a book that weighs more than her in her lap. Clarke giggles and pulls the brunette’s glasses, that she only wears at night, in the morning, or on lazy days because she’s self-conscious of them, and puts them on her own head.

“Whatcha reading?” She bumps Lexa’s shoulder.

“Well nothing now, because I can’t see.” Lexa responds and tries to reach for them.

“Oh stop being dramatic, your vision isn’t that bad,” she counters and ducks away when the girl tries to grab the glasses.

“Clarke,” Lexa threatens which causes the blonde to break into a fit of laughter. “Give them back.”

“Why so you can keep reading your nerd book and ignoring me?”

“You’re so needy,” Lexa genuinely smiles while saying this and Clarke can hear her heartbeat by now. The brunette lunges at her and Clarke grabs onto her wrist as she falls back onto the bed, unintentionally pulling Lexa with her. The next thing she knows, there’s a soft weight on her and green eyes staring into hers. Eyes that are so close she almost goes cross eyed trying to make eye contact. Her skin feels charged and she knows Lexa can probably feel the blonde’s heartbeat because it is so fast. Her eyes flicker down to full pink lips that she wants to just feel on her own more than anything else in the world. She finds herself forcing her eyes up to those green eyes that are coincidentally having a staring match with Clarke’s mouth. It’s unintentional, but completely intentional, when she bites her lower lip. Suddenly she no longer sees green eyes, but eyelids as the brunette lets out a quiet groan. Not only are her ribs in serious pain from her heart beat, but her skin covering her ribcage is scorching from Lexa’s palms. She feels a breath on her lips and her own eyes fall closed, oh my god it’s finally happening.

“Oh my GOD you guys are having sex! Bye!” Raven’s voice screeches through the heavy air as a heavy bag hits both of them on the head before the door slams. Clarke grabs the bag of food that was thrown at them as Lexa jumps to her feet to chase after Raven.

So, yeah. That keeps happening. She and Lexa keep having these moments where they almost kiss or stare at each other too long and they make her lose her mind. She knew from the second that she first saw Lexa that she was drawn to her, it was something she can’t explain. Clarke writes it off as attraction because of their ridiculous chemistry.

Raven and Lexa come back into the room, the former is laughing wildly. Lexa doesn’t even look at Clarke, she just sits down gingerly and grabs a takeout box. The blonde laughs lightly and hands the girl her glasses back that she stole.

“Sock on the door next time guys,” Raven laughs as she walks over and grabs her own food.

Clarke stabs at the mac and cheese that Raven got her with a scoff, “Nothing happened.”

“I didn’t know laying on top of each other was a normal, friendly thing to do,” she jokes.

“Raven, I’ve kissed you and we are friends,” Clarke counters after looking at Lexa’s dark expression.

“Touché,” she points her fork at Clarke. “Any chance I can get my favorite ladies to come to the party with me after Octavia’s game tonight?”

“Pass,” Clarke mumbles nonchalantly as she chews on her food. That was something new too, ever since her blacked-out sex with Finn, she has refused to drink or even go to parties. Mainly because she never wants to get that bad again nor does she ever want to see Finn again.

“I call Lexa,” both Clarke and Raven exclaim in sync when they make eye contact.

“I called her first!” Raven yells.

“That’s a lie and you know it,” Clarke counters.

“I’m right here, you guys know that, right?” Lexa interrupts with a piece of lettuce hanging off her fork.

“Let’s flip a coin, heads I win, tails you lose,” Raven exclaims.

“I’m not falling for that again, Raven.”

“Guys, stop acting like divorced parents fighting over custody,” Lexa laughs. “Raven, you know I hate parties.”

“Boo!” Raven has her thumb down and throws her plastic fork at her.

Lexa catches it with ease and rolls her eyes, “We are still going to the game with you.”

“Yeah, but when C. Griff partied hard with me that first week of school those were the best days of my time, now she’s being all boring like you,” Raven pouts and stares off wistfully.

Clarke stands up and grabs a drink from the mini fridge, “Yeah Raven, come talk to me when you wake up naked in some guy’s bed. What?” She turns around and sees both girls slack jawed.

“That’s the first time you admitted it. You did have sex with Finn! Lexa, you owe me ten bucks,” Raven exclaims and Lexa is red in the face and won’t look at the blonde.

“You guys bet on me? You’re the worst,” Clarke rolls her eyes. “And Lexa why would you bet against it, I was obviously doing the walk of shame.”

The brunette, suddenly being very shy, just shrugs and stuffs her mouth full of her salad. Clarke stares at her as she shoves food in her mouth and avoids looking at the blonde. Raven eventually comes over and plops between the pair to distract the blonde.

“Will you guys pregame with me?” She whines.

“No, but we will hang out with you until your party. Clarke, she’s even needier than you.”

The pair smile at each other and Raven jumps out of the bed, “I do not want to be in the middle of that sexual tension. Good God!”

“You’re so dramatic, Reyes,” Clarke laughs.

“Dramatic?” she puts a hand to her chest in mock offense. She sits down on her own bed and stuffs her face with food while glaring at the pair on Lexa’s bed.

“Oh, I found a good article for us to use in our research paper,” Lexa pipes up to Clarke after a few minutes of silent eating.

“Is it more on the election process or the discrimination for women in the workplace?” Clarke excitedly scoots towards Lexa who hands over her iPhone with the article open.

“Boo! This is like a reverse porn,” Raven heckles.

Clarke feels the tips of her ears get red but focuses on reading the title of the article. She can’t even bring herself to look at Lexa who is probably gaping like a fish. “We are not trying to make a, um, we aren’t trying to do that,” she sees Lexa sit up straighter and farther away from Clarke as she says it. “Porn.”

“Roomie,” Raven giggles as she throws her dinner in the garbage, “you are too easy to tease.”

“You’re about to give the poor girl an aneurism,” Clarke grumbles as she continues to try and read the title but her mind is suddenly going to much different places.

“No, Griff, I’ll leave you to do the mind blowing for Lex here,” Raven winks as she walks out the door and Clarke actually hears Lexa choke.

“Ignore her,” Clarke sounds as she hands the red-faced brunette her phone back. “I’ll take your word on the article.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I trust you,” she says and when Lexa stares at her for a second longer than usual, Clarke continues, “Mainly because I can’t focus right now, because Octavia’s game and all.”

“Same here, what time do you want to head to the stadium?” Lexa asks as she walks into the bathroom.

“Probably not for another hour or two, we are already about to be surrounded by drunk people, let’s not spend more time than necessary,” Clarke yells to Lexa who is most likely putting contacts in right now.

“That’s funny coming from you,” Lexa laughs wholeheartedly.

“If that statement was said in a different tone, we would have a whole of problems,” the blonde smiles as she pulls out her phone. She sees a few texts from Abby and Bellamy.

**Bellamy [5:30 p.m.]: I would like five minute updates of my little sister’s game, please and thanks :)**

**Mom [5:50 p.m.]: Clarke, I have the night off from the hospital and I figured I could finally see Octavia play! I will call you when I’m there and we can catch up.**

“Are you ready to meet my mom?” Clarke yells out to Lexa who is still doing something in the bathroom.

“I already know your mom. I also googled her,” Lexa mumbles in an uneven voice.

“Oh yeah, I forgot. How do you know her again?” the blonde patiently waits and after thirty seconds or so of silence, she stands up to poke her head in the bathroom door. Her breath stops in her throat and her stomach feels warm when she sees heavy eye makeup accentuating those green eyes and Lexa holds a makeup brush to her prominent cheekbones. “Woah, you look-“ Lexa drops the brush and Clarke rushes over and grabs it, she places a hand on her shoulder, “Lexa?”

The brunette shakes her head quickly to snap herself out of it, “Sorry, I’m just out of it.”

Clarke doesn’t even realize that her hand is rubbing circles on Lexa’s upper back until the other girl leans into her, the blonde has to ball her other hand into a fist so she doesn’t reach out and run her hands over her cheekbones. “Is something wrong?”

“No, I just,” Lexa takes a step away from the blonde who tries not to pout, “I know your mom because of Costia.”

“Oh,” she manages to nod, Lexa doesn’t talk about Costia like ever, which the blonde understands, she doesn’t really talk about her dad either.

“She initially survived the jump and your mom operated on her,” Lexa straightens up and walks past the other girl. Clarke follows her out and finds her sitting on her bed looking distantly as if she isn’t even here. “Costia’s parents weren’t the most accepting people. I had been living with them for a year after my dad died and our relationship was a secret. They, uh, walked in on us, and kicked me out and threatened to send Costia to conversion therapy. That’s why she did it. And when I found out and went to the hospital, she was already dead, I didn’t know that though, and her parents tried to call security on me. When they started to throw the word ‘dyke’ around, your mom stepped in and told me an update and held me while I cried. I guess it’s just going to be weird seeing her after all this time.”

Lexa lets out a breath and her eye makeup has smudged some as she rubs at her wet eyes. By now, Clarke is sitting beside her with a worried expression, she tries to process everything but decides on doing so later. Right now she needs to comfort Lexa, she manages to breathe out the other girl’s name before pulling her into a tight embrace. Lexa grips onto her like if she lets go she will fly away. She sobs heavily into Clarke’s neck and the blonde just rubs circles on her back as her heart breaks for this amazing girl in her arms.

Eventually Lexa pulls back with lidded eyes, smeared makeup, and a small nod and that is the moment Clarke realizes that this girl in front of her is everything. It’s when she realizes that she can’t write it all off as attraction but a fully-fledged crush, more than a crush. Both her hands cup the brunette’s cheeks as she uses her thumbs to wipe at the makeup.

“Thank you, Clarke,” she whispers as Clarke focuses on rubbing a stubborn smudge on her cheek.

The blonde moves to look into her eyes and she notices the way Lexa is looking at her. It’s the way that most girls wish to be looked at and her insides nearly turn to goo. Before doing something stupid like kissing Lexa after that whole revelation, she leans forward and presses a lingering kiss to Lexa’s cheek.

“I’ll be here whenever you need me, Lexa.”

The other girl’s cheeks are bright red and she nods, quickly stands, and rushes into the bathroom. Clarke gives her some time alone, she figures that’s what Lexa needs right now. She pulls out her phone and responds to her mom.

**Clarke [6:15 p.m.]: Sounds great! I want to introduce you to some of my friends while you’re here.**

Twenty minutes later, Lexa comes out of the bathroom with her makeup redone and her hair touched up. She shoots Clarke a small smile as she pulls a sweatshirt from her closet, the blonde covers her eyes, politely, so Lexa can change. Another thing that had become a part of their routine.

“I’m done,” Lexa’s soft voice breaks through the silence and Clarke looks at the beautiful girl before her. “Are you doing anything to get ready?”

“Just putting on Octavia’s jersey that she makes me wear every game,” Clarke shrugs and stands to change into it. She pulls her shirt off and sees Lexa’s face turn crimson as she nearly gives herself whiplash looking away. The blonde pulls a sweatshirt of Lexa’s on to layer under the jersey because of the cold weather. “I’m all dressed.”

Lexa looks back at the blonde and shrugs, “Netflix?”

“You can choose what we are watching,” Clarke shrugs and lays down on Lexa’s bed, staring at the girl sitting on the edge.

“What no argument over Grey’s Anatomy vs. House of Cards?” Lexa asks as she lays down besides the blonde, leaving reasonable distance between the two. “You don’t have to treat me any differently because of what I told you.”

Clarke turns on her side to look at the brunette, “You’re my friend, I’m allowed to care. I know you don’t like talking about these things so I figured that I can just do things to make you feel better.”

“House of Cards then,” Lexa shrugs and turns her back to Clarke to get a better view of the screen.

As the show unfolds on the screen, all Clarke can do is look at Lexa. She props her head up with her elbow on the bed to watch how enraptured the girl is in the TV. Her body slowly relaxes as she becomes more transfixed. Her green eyes are focused heavily and her lips part slightly and Clarke knows the staring is creepy, but the artist in her can’t help but appreciate her beauty. It’s like her whole body burns and itches to reach forward and touch the girl. And Clarke manages to keep her hands to herself until they’re thirty minutes into an episode and she starts tracing a finger up and down Lexa’s bicep. She’s doing it over a thick sweatshirt but she still witnesses the other girl shiver.

“Clarke,” the whisper barely passes Lexa’s lips.

“Sorry,” she retracts her hand.

“Don’t be, I didn’t mind,” her words are even and calculated.

“Oh,” the blonde mumbles and continues to trace the other girl’s arm. Lexa sighs and shifts slightly closer to the girl behind her and a rush of warmth runs through Clarke’s stomach. She struggles with her thoughts for a few moments as she deliberates her next move. It takes her a good five minutes to scoot forward and wrap her arm around Lexa’s waist and pull her body towards her. Lexa feels warm and soft as her body fits perfectly into Clarke’s. The blonde feels a smile break out on her face as a content feeling runs all through her body where her and Lexa touch. She settles her head closely behind Lexa and notices a small tattoo on the back of her neck. She traces the infinity tattoo with her finger and can practically feel Lexa smile.

“Costia said she always wanted an infinity tattoo, I figured I could get one for her,” Lexa hums and leans into Clarke’s touch.

“I love it,” Clarke hums.

“Her parents blamed me for her death,” Lexa whispers more to herself than to Clarke. “I wasn’t even invited to the funeral.”

The blonde, deciding that words will not suffice, squeezes her arms tighter around the girl in front of her. She holds Lexa like that until the episode that neither of them watched ends. That’s when Lexa slips out of her arms, turns the TV off, and sits on Raven’s bed. Clarke sits up and feels like someone squeezes on her heart when Lexa won’t even look at her.

“You don’t have to see my mom if you don’t want to,” Clarke eventually breaks the tense silence, “In case it brings back any bad memories.”

Lexa shrugs, “No, I’m not worried about that, I’m excited to see her again.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

A pair of green eyes look pained as they level with hers, “You know what’s wrong Clarke, I can’t have feelings for you.”

Clarke’s on her feet in seconds, trying to approach the girl across from her, “I don’t expect you to.”

Lexa stands too and raises her chin, causing Clarke to halt, “You aren’t showing much restraint.”

“Friends cuddle,” the blonde defends, “that’s a good way to comfort people.”

“Well, it’s distracting,” Lexa sighs after moments of silence.

“I’ll try not to _distract_ you then,” Clarke raises an eyebrow at the girl who has yet to break eye contact and after the blonde speaks those green eyes roll.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” the brunette looks out of breath and sits back on Raven’s bed. “When is your mom going to be here?”

“Not until the game starts. Would you want to grab a late dinner with us after the game?” The blonde fiddles with her hands and stares at the girl, Abby and her didn’t have plans, but she figured more time with Lexa the better and Abby would serve as a nice buffer to this recently defined crush.

“I would like that, Clarke,” the brunette nods.

The blonde feels her cheeks heat up when she notices the slight smile cross Lexa’s face. She nods at the girl and sits back on Lexa’s bed. She can’t take her eyes off the brunette who sits with her back against the wall and her head tilted upwards, she is revolutionary. The blonde flexes her fingers, she wants to draw her and she hasn’t been able to draw portraits of people since the accident. Jake was the last person she drew a portrait of and she wanted it to stay that way so she would never forget what he looks like or what she had done. She stares at the lock screen on her phone, which was a picture of Jake and her from when she was a little girl learning how to ride a bike and her heart sinks.

“You know, you only get that look on your face when you’re thinking about your dad,” Clarke’s head shoots up and sees Lexa with her eyes still closed.

“How did you- never mind, I was thinking about him and you,” the blonde shrugs.

This causes the brunette’s eyes to snap open, she leans forward. “Your father and me?”

“Yeah, you would’ve liked him. I was just thinking about how I wanted to draw you, but he’s that last person I drew,” the blonde decides she can’t lie when those green eyes are trained intensely on her.

“You want to draw me?”

“Your face is perfectly symmetrical and your features are an artist’s dream to draw. And don’t even get me started on those eyes,” the words rush out of her mouth before she can stop herself. The blonde grips her hands tightly into her sweatshirt when the brunette just sits there. They sit for a painful minute until Lexa gets up to sit next to Clarke.

“If you want to take that step and draw someone else since your dad, you can draw me. But Clarke, you have to stop saying stuff like that to me,” she doesn’t look at Lexa, who she can feel is staring intently at her.

The blonde nods, “I didn’t mean to, it just kind of slipped out. It’s hard to control myself around you.”

She can see Lexa swallow heavily, “I understand, but you have to understand that I can’t.”

The blonde shifts so she faces the girl who is staring at her hands, “And as I just said, I don’t expect it from you. I’m just _drawn_ to you is all.”

“Did you just make a pun?” Lexa turns her head slightly and makes eye contact with the girl next to her. And when she looks into green orbs that pop more than usual today and her full pink lips are in a crooked smirk, she can’t even laugh at her own intended joke because her mouth is suddenly dry. Lexa tilts her head to look at Clarke head on, causing her soft curls to fall over her shoulder and Clarke honest to God gasps. “What?”

Clarke exhales, “Sorry.” _I just can’t take my eyes off of you_ , she wants to say but finishes the statement in her head. She smiles weakly at Lexa before sitting back so she no longer has to feel attacked by her beauty.

There is a sudden slamming on the door and the distinct sound of a lock turning and Clarke lets out a breath of relief when she hears Raven say, “Are you children behaving or can I come in?”

“Raven,” Lexa sighs.

The brunette roommate sticks her head in with a smile and barges in, “I came back from the pregame because I missed you two.”

“That means one of her old conquests was there and she ran,” Lexa offhandedly translates to Clarke.

“You know me so well,” Raven laughs and plops onto Lexa’s lap, which is some habit and Clarke feels her stomach twitch in jealousy. Not over Raven, but wishing that she could be in that position. Clarke must be staring because Raven turns and looks at her, “I’m sorry, did I take your seat?”

“Stop with the jokes,” Lexa exclaims and tenses.

“I’m sorry,” the other brunette whispers and slinks off of Lexa’s lap in between the pair.

“Raven, do you want to meet my mom tonight? She’s coming to the game, Abby needs to know that I actually have friends,” Clarke changes the subject.

“I get to meet Mama Griffin?” She exclaims excitedly. “I’ve heard so much about her from both of you!”

“Yeah, apparently my mom did a lot for Lexa,” Clarke smiles.

“It’s because of Mama Griffin that Lexa and I met,” Raven smiles wistfully. “She made sure Lexa was put in a nice little grief support group in a foster home that I also lived in.”

“Raven,” Lexa harshly scolds.

“Oh, did I just tell her something else she didn’t know?”

“It’s fine,” Clarke quickly butts in to stop the fight between the pair as she processes Raven’s words. “It reminds me that my mom isn’t just some robot doctor but actually cares about people. She’ll be happy to see you again, Lexa.”

“I know I’m always happy to see you, Lexa,” Raven jokes and kisses her roommate’s temple whose face is a deep shade of red.

The pair of roommates bicker and Clarke processes the new information she learned. When she thinks back on it, she remembers Abby coming home late to breakfast one day when she was supposed to be back for dinner the night before. It was before Jake died, so the memory is fresh, she remembers being mad at her mother for missing dinner again and being distant. Abby just stabbed at her breakfast grumbling as Jake danced around the kitchen in a ridiculous apron. It took until Clarke finished her breakfast, that Jake sat down next to Abby and hugged her, she was acting how she usually did when a child died, it was a pattern. It was when Clarke got up to go to school that day that Abby finally spoke saying she would never see her differently for being bisexual and was disgusted that the rest of the world couldn’t understand. The blonde just remembers rolling her eyes and thinking nothing of it.

It all made sense now as she watches Raven poke at Lexa’s side, Abby was home over twelve hours late that day, because she was helping Lexa after Costia’s parents attacked her. Her mom must’ve been up all night comforting the girl and taking care of social work, because her guardians, Costia’s parents, didn’t want her anymore.

“Griffin,” a hand waves in front of her face and she focuses in on Raven, “you zoned out for a second there.”

“Sorry, just thinking.” The blonde announces, “Are you going to get super drunk, Ray?”

“I was planning on it earlier, but now I might just wait until the party after the game, why?”

“I kind of wanted to prove to my mom that I was getting my drinking straightened out,” the blonde shrugs.

“Well you don’t need me to prove that just show her little Lex here made you get in line,” Raven smirks and tries to put her roommate in a joking headlock, but the girl quickly counters and somehow Raven ends up face down on the floor. “Lexa, stop assaulting me when I’m clearly joking around.”

“It’s funny,” Lexa straightens as she speaks down to the girl.

“She does have a point there,” the blonde shrugs.

“Yeah, but Lexa could say the sky is orange and you would agree with her.” The girl on the rug counters as she keeps her face pressed into the floor for some comedic effect.

“I feel like we should just start ignoring her altogether,” Clarke turns to Lexa to speak.

“I agree, we could just leave her here. She can’t run fast with her bum leg, all we would have to do is run away,” Lexa smiles and Clarke’s heart quickens.

The girl on the rug quickly sits up, “Hey, I like to keep my bum leg a secret and you just tattled to Clarkey.”

Lexa rolls her eyes, “Yeah, just like how you’ve told Clarke various facts about me that she did not know before.”

“You got me there,” Raven points a finger and tilts her head.

Clarke lets out a laugh, “We could head to the game and get some seats that won’t be in the student section, so my mom doesn’t have to endure that.”

“But that’s where all the fun happens,” Raven counters as she opens the door.

“We are not having my mom sit with us in the student section,” the blonde laughs as they all climb into the elevator.

“Fine,” Raven shrugs. “What are you doing for Halloween next week? It’s going to be on a Saturday so it’s gonna be great!”

“Raven,” Lexa quickly says but Clarke can already feel her hearing fade out as her mind starts to close in on itself. She feels a familiar arm wrap around her waist to hold her up. She can hear Lexa’s soft voice whispering to Raven about how Halloween would mark the year anniversary since her dad died. When she hears the words escape Lexa’s lips, her mind flashes back to the night.

It was raining and two in the morning. Clarke barely remembers the moments leading up to the accident, but she remembers crying on the porch of some douche named Murphy’s house. She was crying and her dad was on the phone with her calming her down as he drove to her. He got to the house quickly, because she was so upset, but to this day she doesn’t remember what made her so upset.

Jake walked up to the porch and helped her into the car as she stumbled on her feet. She calmed down in the front seat as Jake put on some old song she loved and sang along jokingly. He took the long route home, because Clarke asked him to, she didn’t want Abby to lecture her for drinking. She always asks herself if he would still be here if she didn’t ask him to take the long route.

“Clarke, this is all going to pass. What happened tonight is just one night, it is so insignificant. You won’t even remember these people in a few years, you’ll be out in the world doing whatever you are destined for and I believe in you. I know you are capable of the whole world, Clarke,” those were Jake’s last words. He had his right hand on his shoulder as she looked out the windshield to see blinding lights. That’s all she remembered. She woke up the next morning in a hospital and her mom had to recount the whole night to her and that’s when her whole world fell apart.

She suddenly feels arms squeeze painfully tight around her and her name whispered and she feels herself escape the memory and reenter the real world. She blinks a few times, her eyes are unbelievably wet from a bunch of tears that are rolling down her cheeks. She feels her body heat up and soften at the beautiful familiar touch.

“Lexa,” she whispers and her voice cracks as she wraps her arms around the girl squeezing her.

The grip on her loosens as the girl steps back, but keeps both hands hovering by the blonde’s sides. She is on the cement outside the dorm building and she notices Raven standing behind Lexa with a worried expression. Lexa grabs her chin and she finds herself focusing on green eyes in front of her that are looking at her with such meaning the pain in her evaporates.

“Hey, look at me. I’ve got you. It’s all okay. You’re safe,” Lexa whispers. “Take your time.”

Clarke stares into the girl’s eyes for a few moments until she nods and the girl helps her to her feet. The brunette slips an arm around Clarke’s shoulders and the blonde wraps her arm around Lexa’s waist to stand comfortably.

“Clarke, I’m so sorry,” Raven quickly rushes out.

She holds a hand up, “Don’t be sorry, you didn’t know. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Don’t feel bad, let’s just go to the game.”

The trio walk to the game in an uncomfortable silence after what happened. Clarke’s body feels heavy and exhausted by the time they get to the stadium and sit down in some close seats. Lexa moves her arm from around her shoulder to grip her hand tightly as if she’s anchoring her back down to earth.

“Raven, can you go get Clarke a water?” Lexa asks.

The other girl nods quickly and jumps to her feet, as if she’s running away from the awkward situation. Clarke stares at the field and tries to focus on Lexa’s hand in hers. She thinks about how soft her skin is against hers.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa asks.

“No. Please just talk to me about anything to distract me,” Clarke whispers without looking at the girl next to her.

“I used to do karate when I was a kid,” Lexa speaks quickly. “I actually did it until I got to high school. Then I taught self-defense classes, isn’t that nerdy?”

“No, that’s pretty badass,” she smiles at the image of Lexa as a kid in a white uniform that is too big on her as she learns the moves.

She hears Lexa laugh softly and that makes her melt into her seat and she feels somewhat human again. The brunette squeezes her hand and rests her head on the blonde’s shoulder. “If I could draw, I would want to draw you too.”

Clarke feels her cheeks heat up and a smile grace her lips, “Maybe I can teach you.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” There’s a beat of silence and Lexa speaks up quickly again, “Did I ever tell you that I have a little brother? Aden, he is twelve.”

“Why haven’t you ever told me about him?”

“My mom left my dad and I when I was fourteen, she took Aden with her.” Lexa’s voice drops and she can feel the girl shake her head, “I’m sorry, I’m trying to distract you and I’m making things depressing. I suck at this.”

“No, you’re great.” The blonde sits up and let’s go of Lexa’s hand, “Maybe we fit so well together, because we are both so fucked up.”

“Maybe, we just have to survive,” Lexa sits up and stares out at the field.

They sit in a comfortable silence after that and Raven returns with a water, which Clarke quickly chugs, suddenly realizing how thirsty she is. Clarke eventually says a weak joke to Raven, which makes the girl perk up and control most of their conversation for the next twenty minutes until Abby calls Clarke to tell her she’s at the stadium.

“I’ll come meet you outside,” Clarke says into her phone as she gets up. She hangs up her phone and turns to Lexa who is staring up at her, she squeezes her shoulder trying to convey her thanks. They stare at each other until Raven coughs and she turns on her heel and walks away. Clarke focuses on finding Abby and not thinking about the accident. She eventually finds Abby standing outside the doors with her phone to her ear. She quickly hangs up when she sees her daughter.

“Clarke,” Abby smiles and wraps her in a hug. “How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she shrugs and steps back. “I want you to meet my friends, we have some seats saved.”

“I’m glad you’re doing so well,” her mom smiles at her as they walk into the stadium.

“You actually know one of them. Her name is Lexa Woods,” Clarke exhales, “I don’t know if you remember her.”

“Was she a patient of mine?” Abby scrunches her eyebrows.

“No, um, you’ll just recognize her when you see her.” Clarke decides on being vague as she makes her way to the stairs. Abby just shrugs and Clarke turns to look at her, “Don’t make it weird.”

They walk in the row that the seats are and Raven is bouncing in her seat with a wide smile on her face as Lexa looks nervously at her hands. Clarke sits next to Lexa and gestures nervously, “The excited one is my genius friend Raven and this is-“

“Lexa,” Abby finishes with a warm smile. “It’s good to see you again.”

Lexa shoves her hand out forcefully with an awkward look on her face and Abby smiles warmly as she shakes the girl’s hand. “How have you been?”

“Good,” Lexa nods.

“What are you girls majoring in?” Abby asks the group after an awkward beat of silence.

“Astrophysics,” Raven smirks cockily and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Political Science,” Lexa whispers.

“Clarke is so brilliant, I’m not surprised she picked friends that are just as bright,” her mom beams widely.

“Aw,” Raven coos. “Thanks, Mama G.”

“Ignore her,” Clarke interrupts. “Besides Raven is scary smart.”

“Yeah, that’s true, even I get scared of myself sometimes,” the brunette agrees.

Clarke can feel Abby narrowing her eyes on Lexa and is about to ask a question when the game in front of them starts. She lets out a sigh of relief, she can feel the anxiety radiating off of Lexa. She’s worried it’s too much for the girl next to her, maybe seeing Abby is too much of a painful reminder. Throughout the game, Raven and Abby talk across the group and cheer loudly for Octavia.

The game is nearing the end when Clarke turns to Lexa. “Bathroom,” she whispers in the girl’s ear. She notices the slight nod and turns her attention to her mom, “We are gonna go to the bathroom.”

She doesn’t hear what her mom says in the return as she grabs Lexa and yanks them away until they’re in a private hallway. The brunette slumps down against a wall and puts her head in her hands. Clarke watches with pity as the fluorescent lights hit brunette hair on a head that is shaking repeatedly. The blonde walks over and slumps down on ground next to Lexa.

“I’m sorry, seeing her just brought back so many memories I wanted to forget,” Lexa whispers.

“Hey, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologize,” Clarke wraps an arm around the girl huddled into herself. “We don’t have to go to dinner after, my mom can just go back home. It’s fine.”

“No, don’t change plans on your mom because of me. I’m fine, I was just freaking out,” the brunette exhales. “I just need a minute and I will be fine. She seems just as great as I remember.”

“She’s been a good mom,” Clarke nods. “She kind of shut down after my dad died, but I can’t blame her I’ve been a mess about it for a year.”

At her finished statement the blonde looks down at her arms in remembrance. She traces scars on her arms that are fairly prominent, yeah, a complete mess. Lexa grabs her hand that is tracing a vertical scar running from her wrist to her elbow and she laces their fingers and for some reason the action makes her fall a little harder.

“You’re allowed to be a mess, but don’t trace your scars like that. They don’t define you,” Lexa’s voice cracks and Clarke looks into eyes that look pained.

“I felt so guilty after my dad died, I got pretty bad. I kept hurting myself and I was drunk for months. I don’t remember it, but apparently I tried to kill myself on Christmas, that’s what it’s from,” Clarke whispers. And for some reason she continues to speak as it feels like she is cracking into pieces, “My mom said that I was drinking all day and I kept telling her how she and my dad should’ve been celebrating together and not me. During dinner, I snuck into the kitchen and did this. Octavia found me and my mom saved me, and I remember that part. I’ve never seen Octavia cry like that and my mom said she couldn’t lose me too. It was when I stopped hurting myself and drinking as much.”

Clarke stares at the parallel wall and wipes furiously at her tears at the memory of her mom crying in her blurred vision on a bloody kitchen floor. She still remembers Octavia soaked in her blood as she shook her shoulders screaming in agony. She tries to push back the memory, one of the worst layers to her grieving, but for some reason she can’t hold back around Lexa. Her body feels heavy and her scar burns. Her breath halts when she feels Lexa lean forward and press a teary, shaky kiss on her scar. The blonde lets out an ugly sob as Lexa continues to press kisses up the whole length of the scar.

The brunette pulls away and stares at Clarke with wide eyes full of tears. Her eyes are so beautifully green and her makeup is smudged all around her eyes. But she has never looked more beautiful and Clarke’s heart breaks looking at her. Lexa starts leaning in and Clarke really thinks she’s going to kiss her. Their lips are about to touch when Lexa detours to press a kiss on her cheek and pull her into a tight embrace. They stay like that until they hear a buzzer go off and in that long duration, she feels like Lexa is taking each broken piece of her and gluing her back together.

“We should head back,” Lexa whispers as she pulls back.

Clarke wipes at the girl’s makeup until it is no longer smudged and nods, “Thank you.”

“I would do anything for you, Clarke,” Lexa says to her as they stand up a moment later. “I will always be with you, you’re not alone anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was real long and I don't know if it was very good or not lol. I think I like how this ended, just tell me what you guys thought! I really appreciate the support and Idk if I'm supposed to respond back to your comments or not. I'm sorry I am very new to this lol. Remember to follow my tumblr bish-bi I'm going to actually start using that more now too! Thanks again!!


	5. Chapter 5

The pair manage to find Abby and Raven through the crowd, they are walking onto the field towards Octavia. Clarke sees Octavia notice Abby and smile widely as she sprints towards her to give her a hug. The blonde leads Lexa down the stairs towards everyone and turns to look at the girl she is practically dragging down the stairs to the crowd.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you,” Clarke says meaningfully and Lexa gives her a short nod. Clarke stops next to Raven and smiles weakly at her mom who notices her arrival. Abby’s eyes widen and look down to Clarke’s side and that’s when she realizes that her hands are tightly intertwined with Lexa’s. She quickly drops the hand like it burned her. “Hey O, sorry we missed the end there.”

Her roommate turns her attention from Abby towards Clarke, she simply shrugs at the girl. Clarke tries to focus on her surroundings instead of the light feeling in her stomach that is spreading through her veins and to her fingertips just from feeling Lexa stare at her. Those green eyes have been trained on her since they’ve arrived back to the group, it’s obvious that Lexa is nervous. The blonde just wants to hold her hand or put an arm around her to show her everything will be okay, but Abby’s eyes have been bouncing between the pair ever since their arrival and she doesn’t want her mom to get the wrong idea. So, Clarke trains her eyes on Lincoln as he walks up to the group and gathers Octavia in a large hug from behind and she witnesses her roommate smile the biggest that she has in years. The blonde blinks twice when her heart sinks at wishing she could have something like that.

“Abby, this is Lincoln, my boyfriend. Lincoln, this is Abby, Clarke’s mom,” Octavia introduces the pair and Lincoln gives her mom a firm handshake.

“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Griffin,” Lincoln nods.

“Nice to meet you too, Clarke’s told me about you, I’m glad Octavia found a guy who has a nice head on his shoulders.” Abby looks to Clarke for a second, “Now I’m just waiting on my daughter to find someone who will be lucky to have her.”

Raven cackles at this and shoves Lexa’s shoulder and winks at Clarke, “Oh, I’ve been waiting too, for someone in particular.”

Abby tilts her head at her daughter like a cocker spaniel and Clarke tries to keep a straight face. She can see Lexa’s cheeks getting red out of the corner of her eye but she keeps eye contact with her mom and tries to ignore the embarrassment that she usually never feels, but sometimes Raven is too brash for her own good.

“Clarke, what does she mean?”

“Nothing, Raven is just being Raven,” Clarke rolls her eyes. “Nobody ever knows what she’s saying half the time.”

When Abby continues to stare at Clarke, the blonde widens her eyes at her roommate to try and say something so it doesn’t become more awkward than Raven is trying to make it. Octavia, who is making heart eyes at Lincoln as he wraps his arm around her shoulder, doesn’t notice Clarke until Lincoln nudges her and she notices the blonde’s look.

“The only person good enough for Clarke is herself,” Octavia interrupts. Clarke witnesses those blue-green eyes glance at Lexa quickly and Clarke squints her eyes in confusion. She decides on asking Octavia about it later. “I swear if Clarke could marry school she would. Her midterm grades came back and she has a 4.0.”

“Octavia, stop bragging about me to my mom,” the blonde laughs and reminds herself to thank Octavia for changing the subject.

“Clarke, why didn’t you tell me this? That’s better than I had my first year of school,” Abby asks with a hurt expression.

The blonde shrugs, “It’s only midterm grades, not a big deal. They don’t mean anything.”

“Blondie is a genius, of course. And so am I, obviously,” Raven begins and Clarke groans. “But the real genius here is future Madame President here,” the brunette wraps her arm around Lexa’s shoulders and smiles.

“No, I’m just trying to go to Law school after this,” Lexa clarifies with red cheeks.

“Yeah, then to Congress, then to the White House,” Raven says.

“Heel, Raven,” Clarke announces.

“Well it’s great to see that even if Clarke doesn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend with a good head on their shoulders, she has some friends that do,” Abby smiles.

Raven laughs again and Clarke seriously considers throwing something at her.

“Raven, didn’t you have a party you wanted to head to?” Lexa asks in a terse voice.

“I can stay around to talk to Dr. G,” Raven begins.

“No, why don’t you head out, we were about to go somewhere anyways,” Clarke interrupts.

Raven smiles at the pair and shakes her head, “You two are a deadly duo,” She turns her attention to Abby. “Bye, Dr. Griffin! I’ll see you soon.”

The girl walks away and joins a group of people walking out of the stadium and Clarke sighs, “I forgot to ask, mom do you want to go get a late dinner or something? I didn’t want you to drive all the way out here for just a game.”

“Sure, do any of you kids want to come with?” Abby asks.

“We’d love to, but Lincoln and I already have plans for the night. But I’ll definitely visit you next time I’m home, Abby,” Octavia says and hugs Abby goodbye.

“Lexa, would you like to join us?” Abby asks.

The brunette nods, “I would enjoy that.”

“Sounds great, I can drive us there,” Abby nods and they start walking out of the stadium. “Do you have any suggestions?”

Clarke and Lexa look at each other and Clarke knows what Lexa is thinking when she sees a glint in her eye, “There’s a nice little diner that we always get takeout from.”

“That sounds great,” her mom nods. “So Lexa, what made you pick Polis University?”

Lexa has a scrunched look on her face, “Well honestly, they gave me almost a full academic scholarship and the financial aid they gave me covered the rest. They did the same for Raven too, so it worked out for the both of us.”

“Raven told me the school originally offered her a soccer scholarship,” Abby nods.

“Yeah, some stuff with her mom made her drop the athletic scholarship,” the brunette awkwardly answers and Clarke furrows her brow.

“Any interesting trauma stories for me?” Clarke asks trying to change the subject.

“Actually, it’s been pretty dull,” Abby shrugs as she opens the door of her Range Rover. “I do expect Halloween to be a crazy night, that’s when all the crazies come in.”

Clarke stiffens and her mind shutters to a stop for a second. She blinks slowly and when she opens her eyes, Lexa holds open the car door for her and grabs the blonde’s shaky hand to help her climb into the passenger seat. She hears the door slam and Lexa jumps into the back seat and she turns around to look at the girl to try and calm herself.

“You’re working on Halloween?” Lexa asks, leaning forward so her shoulder brushes Clarke’s as she speaks. Lexa grabs her arm and squeezes it once.

“Seatbelt,” Abby says offhandedly and Clarke sighs as Lexa sits back to buckle in. “And yeah, I figured working would keep my mind off of it.”

“And what about Clarke, Dr. Griffin?” Clarke actually manages to forget about the searing pain of the memory that falls on Halloween to hear the confrontation in Lexa’s voice.

“What do you mean, Lexa?”

“Well, you lost your husband and it will be a year on Halloween which is awful and I understand we all have ways to cope, but what about your daughter? She was in the accident with him too, did you consider that maybe she would want to be with her mother?” Lexa speaks evenly despite how confrontational her words are and Clarke’s mouth almost drops.

“I didn’t even-“ Abby’s voice breaks and she shakes her head to start the car.

“Didn’t even think of that? Didn’t even bother to care how your daughter was going to feel?” Clarke asks.

“Clarke, it is not like that. We both know how you get. The one month, three month, and six month marks were all identical, I figured the one year mark wouldn’t be any different. I can’t see that, I can’t see you like that.” Abby snaps.

Clarke’s mind flashes to what her mom is referencing: laying in her dark room, immobile in her bed with Octavia or Abby holding her as she sobs or just stares. If she lost body contact she would slip into a panic attack, and she has no idea how body contact was the only thing that kept her grounded.

“Thanks for just assuming that I would do that, like it’s some choice,” Clarke snaps.

“Maybe we should just pull the car over,” Lexa reasons when Abby cuts someone off in traffic and a shrieking car horn makes Clarke shudder.

“Clarke, I’m sorry but seeing you like that it makes it worse for me. And I know you have people here that can help,” Abby reasons as she pulls into the parking lot that is coincidentally the parking lot to Clarke’s dorm. Her mind immediately flashes to the guilt she has felt and she worries if Abby agrees that it is her fault. Her heart constricts and all she feels is pain, a pain like her heart is being ripped out and her lungs are filling with water.

“Put the car in park,” Clarke nearly yells as she feels her throat constricting with panic. She hears the car unlock and she practically launches herself out of the car. Her vision is blurred and she feels her chest heaving trying desperately to get oxygen in. In the distance, she can hear the car door slam and she feels a pair of arms wrap around her as she starts to slip to the ground. The skinny arms that are clearly Lexa’s hold her upright as she wheezes into a mass of brunette locks. “She knows I’m the reason he’s dead, that’s why she can’t see me,” her words feel small as if they are squeezing their way out of a coffee straw. Her throat feels like it closes off after her statement, as if she has expensed all her oxygen to say the sentence.

“Clarke, that is not true,” she hears Lexa’s words and focuses on her green eyes staring at her meaningfully. “Breathe, just breathe with me.”

She feels like she’s grasping at straws as she tries to inhale with Lexa. It takes a few moments of focusing on those green eyes instead of thinking about her parents until she can breathe fully again. She slumps in Lexa’s arms and the girl opens the car door for her and ushers her to sit on the edge of the passenger seat.

“Thanks,” she whispers meaningfully and finally takes her eyes off Lexa’s to notice Abby standing next to her with a concerned expression.

“Clarke,” Abby utters, “I’m sorry.”

Clarke turns her attention to Lexa and hands her the keys to her dorm, “Lexa, can you go up to my room? I’ll meet you there in a minute.”

Lexa nods and grabs the keys, “It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Griffin.”

“You too,” Abby says offhandedly as she focuses on Clarke. She waits until Lexa has entered the dorm building to speak again, “I know that I haven’t handled your father’s death perfectly and I know that it hurts you a lot. But know that I will never think this is your fault. Just because he was driving you doesn’t change the fact that it was a drunk driver that killed your dad. It is that man’s fault, he was the one who killed your father. It was never you.”

“You can say it all you want, mom, but I feel that you will always blame me even if you don’t think it. He wouldn’t have been driving a car if he wasn’t picking me up. It doesn’t matter if you don’t think it’s my fault, because I always will know that this is on me,” Clarke stands up and speaks clearly to avoid falling apart all over again. “I can’t look at you without seeing it on your face.”

“Clarke.”

“Isn’t it the same for you? That’s why you can’t see me Saturday? You will look at me and see him and the reason he is gone. This all falls on me and I don’t know how to live with that,” the blonde shakes her head.

“Your father would want you to live. He wouldn’t want you living your whole life in regret over him, he would want you to be happy,” her mother whispers. “And I know he would want me to never blame you, he would want me to be a strong mother for you and help you be happy again.”

“How do you know what he wants? He’s dead.”

“I know Jake,” Abby smiles softly to himself. “He would never want us to be like this.”

“He probably didn’t want to be dead either,” Clarke counters.

“When we first got married and started sorting out everything, he always said if he died before me, that he wouldn’t want me to live the rest of my life suffering in grief. So I know he wants us to move on. He would want you to move on from this guilt,” her mom looks at her weakly. “If you want me to take off work on Saturday, that is what I will do.”

“No, I don’t want the day to be worse for you. I’ll probably just spend the day with Lexa, because Octavia will probably be busy,” Clarke shrugs and tries to dissipate the argument, she is just so exhausted she doesn’t see the point in butting heads with Abby even more today.

“I’m really happy that you have her,” Abby smiles and puts a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “I know she’s had a bad past with meeting the parents, but you could’ve told me that you guys are dating.”

Clarke feels her face redden as her heart speeds at just the thought, “No, uh, no, no we aren’t dating.”

“Really?” Abby asks dumbfounded.

“No,” Clarke looks up to her dorm window and can see Lexa’s figure sitting by the window, occasionally looking out. She smiles softly and feels a warm wave of contentedness rush over her, “I really like her though, I had always known but I didn’t really realize it until today.”

“Well don’t let that one get away, Clarke. I’ve never seen you look as happy as you did when I saw you look at her tonight,” Abby pulls Clarke into a hug and the blonde can’t help but smile. Abby pulls back and wipes at a stray tear on her cheek, “I’m going to assume we aren’t doing dinner anymore. Just go be with her, she makes you happy and I want that.”

Clarke chuckles softly to herself and finds her uncharacteristically fiddling with her hands, “Thanks, mom.”

“I love you, I will call you later. If you need anything don’t hesitate,” Abby starts walking back to the driver’s side.

“Bye, love you,” Clarke nods and starts walking towards her dorm. She isn’t surprised that when she gets to the door of the building Lexa rushes out of the stairwell to open the door. Her cheeks are pink and she lets out a huff, “Did you run all the way from my dorm to open the door for me?”

“You need a key to get into the building, Clarke,” Lexa notes but Clarke can make out a small smile edging at the corner of her lips.

“Were you watching us the whole time?” she teases as they head towards the elevator.

The brunette’s cheeks turn pink, “I just wanted to make sure you could get into the building since I had your keys.”

“And to make sure I was okay,” Clarke bumps her shoulder playfully and steps onto the elevator.

“Of course,” the response is said so genuinely that Clarke has to turn and look at the girl next to her who is staring at her in such a way that Clarke’s stomach feels like it just lifted off into space. She finds herself unconsciously looking at Lexa’s lips, after a few seconds Lexa’s eyes visibly change from their softness to something else, something that has Lexa take a step forward so the fronts of their bodies are almost touching.

A loud ding makes them jump apart as the elevator doors open up to Clarke’s floor. The blonde has to shake her head to focus and step away from Lexa to exit. The pair walk silently to her dorm and her hand shakes visibly as she tries to unlock the door. It takes her three tries to actually unlock the door, it would’ve been less than that if she hadn’t noticed Lexa staring intently at her upon her second try.

“Thanks again,” Clarke mumbles as she walks over the threshold.

“You don’t need to thank me, Clarke,” Lexa sincerely states and follows her statement with a nod.

Clarke sits on the edge of her bed and plays with the corner of her duvet, “Two panic attacks in a day can be tiresome and you helped me out of both, so thanks.”

“Do you need to lay down? You’re probably exhausted,” Lexa quickly stands as if to take an exit.

“No,” Clarke exclaims and shakes her head quickly. “I don’t like sleeping at all. I dream of him.”

“I understand, I experience the same thing with Costia,” Lexa sits gingerly beside her.

Clarke hesitates before reaching out and lacing her fingers with Lexa’s. It sends chills up her arm when the other girl gives her hand a squeeze and traces her thumb lightly across the back of Clarke’s hand, “Do you ever think we will move on from this?”

“I really don’t know,” Lexa shakes her head. “I feel like it’s a part of me. It’s like my whole life has revolved around her and she isn’t even here anymore. I convinced myself for a long time that I was the reason she died and I came to this school with the intent of not making friends or ever moving on.”

“That’s no way to live,” Clarke shakes her head and stands up to pace. “I know that’s hypocritical of me to say, but I’ve found some great people to surround myself with and I think my dad would be proud of that, at least that’s what Abby told me.”

“I think Costia would be the same way, I just worry that she’d be mad at me,” Lexa shrugs and grabs the blonde’s hand to stop her pacing.

“Why?”

“Because I like you, Clarke,” she whispers weakly.

Clarke stops and her eyes fall on a pair of green one’s that are staring intently, “Lexa, if you care about me, then believe me, she would never be mad at you for moving on.”

“Clarke, I don’t know. I know it may seem like I’m being irrational by not moving on and being scared, but it’s how I survive.” Lexa shakes her head and looks up at Clarke.

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving,” Clarke whispers meaningfully and stares deeply into a set of green eyes stormy with thought. She looks down and says offhandedly to herself, “Don’t we deserve better than that?”

Lexa quickly rises to her feet and the pair are in close proximity from the action. Clarke can feel Lexa’s body heat radiating off her and she doesn’t back down. She can feel those green eyes staring intently at her, “Maybe we do.”

Clarke looks into a pair of green eyes when she feels soft fingers touch her cheek. Those beautiful eyes are getting closer and she glances down to her full, pink lips and her own eyes widen when Lexa’s face becomes a blur. Her eyes snap shut when she feels a pair of soft lips collide with her own and all she can think is: _finally_.

It’s like coming up for a breath of fresh air after almost drowning or her whole life was in grayscale tones and she suddenly sees a kaleidoscope full of colors. She never understood clichés about kisses, not until now, where she feels like she can breathe for the first time in years by the touch of Lexa’s lips. Her heart races as she gasps when Lexa sucks her lower lip in between hers and it’s like all her nerve endings go haywire.

She puts her hands on the hips of the girl tentatively kissing her and she yanks her into her, which makes Lexa change tones quickly. As Lexa’s body presses into hers it almost feels like too much, the brunette holds both of her cheeks and it feels like she’s pouring herself into Clarke. She exhales through her nose and runs her tongue over the seam of those full lips that feel better than she could ever imagine. Lexa opens up to her and her movements are soft but meaningful, she is fully aware that Lexa could jump away at any moment. The brunette changes their angle and when their lips are about to touch again, the door swings open.

“Sorry!” Octavia’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard as Lexa rips herself away from Clarke. The blonde feels her own body shrink into itself when Lexa wipes the back of her hand across her mouth and hugs her own arms around herself. Those green eyes are trained on the ground and won’t look up.

“We’re sorry, we didn’t know you would be here,” Lincoln interrupts the very awkward silence. Lexa stares at the ground and it is like she is rapidly fading away. Lincoln steps out the door while Octavia glares between the two girls. Clarke can feel her own heart dropping all the way down to her feet with dread as Lexa backs away from her towards the door.

“It’s fine, I was just leaving,” Lexa rushes out.

“Lexa,” Clarke cringes at how broken her voice sounds.

“Lincoln can walk her back to her dorm,” Octavia nods. “It’s too late for you to be walking alone.”

“Fine,” Lexa whispers. She doesn’t even look at Clarke as she walks past her to grab her keys. She just storms past Lincoln who gives Clarke a sympathetic look before closing the door and chasing after the girl.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Clarke mumbles quickly and slumps into her bed. Her mind is spinning around what had happened and she unconsciously puts her fingers to her tingling lips.

Octavia sits next to Clarke on her bed and puts a hand on her knee, “We don’t have to.”

“I’m trying to think if there would’ve been a different outcome if you guys didn’t come in,” Clarke runs her fingers through her hair.

“Probably not, she would’ve realized what she was doing and would run away like an asshole,” Octavia rolls her eyes.

“What’s your problem?” Clarke quizzes.

“She annoys me, she makes you feel awful. She’s a complete coward, she actually ran away,” the brunette huffs out a sigh of annoyance. “How did you guys even get here, I thought you were going to dinner with Abby? Lincoln and I just walked back.”

Clarke stands up and glances out the window, “Abby and I got into a fight. So Lexa and I came up here, and you know what happened,” the blonde mumbles and glares out the window as Lexa storms out the building. Her heart stops and all she feels is pain when she can see the girl’s eyes glance up to hers and Lexa quickly looks away.

“How was it?” Octavia asks.

Clarke spins around, “Does it really matter? She panicked and ran.”

“Sorry,” Octavia shrugs. “What should I do to help?”

Clarke shrugs and feels a heaviness settle over her, “Just go hang out with Lincoln, I want to be alone.”

“Are you sure?” Octavia asks.

The blonde nods and closes herself in the bathroom until she hears Lincoln come back to get Octavia ten minutes later. She slumps out of the bathroom and into her bed. With her face buried in a pillow her mind relentlessly plays the kiss over and over. She fights off tears and fiddles with her phone, she types out a few texts to Lexa but ultimately erases them. Clarke hasn’t felt so _heavy_ in a long time and she digs her nails into the sheets of her bed as the pain of this sudden weight of dread hangs over her. She had never felt lighter than when Lexa kissed her, but it’s all ruined, she should’ve known Lexa was going to run.

An hour or two passes of alternating between staring at the ceiling and typing and erasing text messages. Clarke eventually finds herself staring at a bottle of vodka that she had stashed under her bed. She reaches for the cap with shaky hands and a feeling of something resembling a broken heart, but she stops herself with a watery gasp. She mumbles something to herself about not drinking over a girl and then starts to pace relentlessly. She feels something akin to her heart being squeezed until it bursts and she hasn’t felt so shitty in a long time, not over someone she has feelings for. Her phone buzzes and she nearly pounces on her bed to find a blinking message from the girl that has been clouding her mind endlessly for the past few hours.

**Lexa [11:47 p.m.]: I apologize about my earlier actions, just please give me some time.**

**Clarke [11:50 p.m.]: Do you regret it?**

After fiddling with her phone and typing out a few responses, she eventually settles on her message. She finds herself breathless and she feels painfully tachycardiac as she watches the message bubble with three dots fill Lexa’s corner of the screen. The blonde watches the message in anticipation for a good minute before the dots disappear and she receives no response. She takes the silence as an answer. She feels an ugly sounding mixture between a sob and gasp rip through her throat and she throws her phone on Octavia’s bed so she won’t look at it. She collapses face first into her pillow and wills her eyes shut and tries to shut her mind off. It feels like her mind is going millions of miles an hour and painful thoughts of dread and heartbreak eats away at her until she feels raw.

She doesn’t know how much time of laying in pity passes when the door opens. She can hear Octavia tiptoeing around the room and she knows the girl too well, because she can picture the girl noticing Clarke’s phone, unlocking it, and reading the message. She feels incredibly small when she feels the girl’s weight dip down on the mattress and a comforting hand rubs up and down her spine.

“This isn’t your fault,” Octavia’s voice rips through the silence in a whisper and it feels like she collapses into herself as she squeezes her roommate and lets out a single whimper. She feels her roommate’s hand rub comforting circles on her back as she stares blankly, feeling an awful lot like this is her fault. Octavia’s snores eventually break through the silence, the sunlight eventually breaks through the blinds, and Clarke eventually passes out with nightmares of a green-eyed brunette in the place of her usual nightmares about her dad.

* * *

 

The next week is arguably one of Clarke’s worst weeks. She feels the dread setting in about her dad and Abby’s hourly texts checking in do not help either. And Lexa won’t even look at her. During their calculus class, she won’t even spare a look at Clarke, but the most painful thing is when they’re in English class and supposed to be working on a project together, Lexa wouldn’t even look at or talk to Clarke. The pain of sitting through that class makes her skip the Thursday section. On top of all this, Octavia is either at lacrosse or spending every waking moment with Lincoln.

The blonde finds herself going through the motions of going to class then returning to her dorm and staring at the ceiling or at that bottle of vodka until she passes out. On a Thursday at four in the morning, Octavia rips a full bottle out of her hand and tells her this isn’t worth drinking about.

She’s never felt so empty and alone.

When Friday night rolls around after she finishes an exhausting week and an exhausting amount of homework that she hadn’t touched all week, she lays in bed and prepares for how awful the next day will be. Octavia soon comes into their dorm and lays beside Clarke in bed after laying out a bunch of comfort food on the floor.

“I didn’t think you would be here,” Clarke comments when Octavia sits at the foot of her bed.

“I may have been spending a lot of time with Lincoln, but I wouldn’t abandon you on the day your dad died,” Octavia comments.

“Well that technically isn’t until tomorrow,” the blonde mumbles.

“I know your routine,” the brunette comments and lays beside her.

 Clarke sighs and stares up at the ceiling, she’s become rather familiar with this action in the last week. Octavia wraps an arm around her midsection and talks aimlessly to try and get her to fall asleep. The blonde finds herself resisting the action, she doesn’t want to have her awful dreams and she doesn’t want to wake up to it being the day her dad died. She feels an uncomfortable dismay squeeze on her trachea and all the way down to the alveoli in her lungs, when her phone rings and she looks to the screen to see that the clock has switched to midnight.

“Hey Dr. G,” Octavia chippers after she rips the phone out of Clarke’s hand and answers.

“How are you?” The voice on the other end sounds nothing like Abby, her voice is nasally and slurred like she’s been drunk crying.

“She’s laying down right now, right Clarke?” Octavia rubs a hand on her shoulder. “Abby, don’t you have work?”

“Yeah, my shift starts at 3:00 a.m.,” her voice is slow and calculated and Clarke shrinks.

“Why don’t you call in?”

“No, no,” Clarke tunes out the voice and sighs. She finds herself scoffing at seeing that she’s clearly taken a page out of her mother’s book when it comes to drunk grieving. Although, Abby hasn’t touched alcohol since the Christmas incident, Clarke remembers Abby telling her that she gave Clarke the alcoholic gene to which the blonde replied that neither of them were alcoholics. “I show up to work like this all the time, I have been on the 31st of every month, or the 30th or 28th if you count February,” Abby’s voice breaks through Clarke’s thoughts and she sighs. Another burden on her shoulders, she drove Abby to be like this, a total mess that always acted like she had it together. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

“Hey, how about I come pick you up and you can spend the day with Clarke?” Octavia shares a look with Clarke and for once Clarke doesn’t feel absolutely paralyzed.

“She’s right, mom,” her voice cracks and she wants to scoff at how pathetic she sounds.

“Did Clarke just talk? She never talks when she’s like this,” Abby’s words are messy and jumbled as if she isn’t trying to hide her slurring anymore. “I don’t want to leave her alone.”

“I’ll have Raven come over here,” Clarke speaks up again, surprised that she is even capable of words.

Octavia nods at her and pulls out her phone, sending a text to the brunette in question. Clarke feels herself slipping again and she can hear Octavia affirming to Abby that she will come to pick her up and will be there in an hour. When the phone hangs up Clarke covers her face with both of her hands and shakes and shakes to try and stop the tears.

“This isn’t your fault, most people drink to grieve,” Octavia speaks slowly and squeezes her arms around Clarke even tighter. “I know what you’re thinking, I know you think this is on you, but it isn’t.”

Clarke just shakes her head and turns her back to the girl, Octavia takes that as initiative to spoon her friend. She tunes out her roommate’s words and stares blankly until all she can see is the bright flash of headlights from the wretched night. _I know you’re capable of the whole world, Clarke._ She hears her dad saying those words over and over and she freezes. All she feels is pain, something much worse than the impact of the crash actually felt like. She feels arms squeeze heavily around her waist and it’s as if she is brought back to the real world.

“I’m here, Clarke,” Octavia whispers. There’s a knock on the door and she hears Octavia yell that it’s unlocked. The blonde doesn’t even look up, she just continues to stare at a photo on the wall of her and Octavia and she stares at the girl she used to be, wishing she could just go back. “Who the fuck let you in here?”

When Octavia’s voice drips with venom, her roommate starts to get up and Clarke digs her fingers into her arms so she doesn’t let go. Octavia sighs and settles back down and starts saying more callous insults and it takes a few moments for Clarke to gain the energy to move her eyes to the person at the door that causes a raw ice cold shock to shoot through every nerve in her body until it feels like her stomach is going to empty itself.

Lexa stands in the doorway with a cowering expression. Her thick hair is in a bun that sits messily on top of her head and she pushes her glasses up her slim nose that makes Clarke quickly look away and turn towards Octavia. Her best friend wraps her in a hug and talks over her head, “She already feels shitty enough today, you don’t have to show up and make things worse.”

“Raven, couldn’t come. She was about to head over here when something with her mom came up,” her voice sounds so soft it makes all the vertebrae in Clarke’s spine stiffen. “Her mom has some, uh, legality issues and Raven had to go there abruptly. She said I needed to come here, we all just need to put our differences aside and just try and help Clarke and Abby.”

“I think you’re making Clarke worse,” Octavia hisses.

“I just want to help,” Lexa sounds defeated and Clarke can hear the door opening.

“Just leave her here, just go get Abby,” Clarke mumbles into Octavia’s neck. A set of intense blue-green eyes look at her with a questioning and unsure expression. “I don’t want her to do something stupid like drive to work and hurt herself or someone else. I can’t lose my mom too, just go get her, O.”

She engages in a stare down with some terrifyingly intense eyes until Octavia nods in acquiescence. A hand extracts itself from her shoulder, she assumes Octavia waves Lexa forward when she hears soft footsteps come closer. “She needs to be in constant contact or she shuts down. We don’t know why, but we think it keeps her grounded from the memories. So just lay down and we will do a tradeoff.”

She feels the bed dip softly and a familiar warmth envelops her from behind. She feels an arm wrap around her waist and she opens her eyes to see Octavia sitting up and maneuvering around them and off the bed. She can hear Octavia’s voice like white noise as her mind suddenly feels like she can focus on something other than the accident. She hears the door close and Lexa lets out an exhale that sends chills down her spine.

“Clarke,” the voice is whispered like a prayer.

“Don’t,” Clarke’s voice sounds choked.

“I’m sorry, if I’m making this worse.”

Clarke feels a hand clasp over her own and she inhales deeply when a calm settles over her. She can feel Lexa’s body stiffen and her quick breaths blow at the hairs on the back of Clarke’s neck. She sighs, “I get this isn’t ideal for you either, but please just relax and don’t talk to me,” Clarke says between clenched teeth. She feels the girl behind her relax and Clarke focuses on staring at the wall in front of her.

Clarke lets out a whimper when she feels the burning pain of memories start to spark behind her eyes and she feels a squeeze around her torso that brings her back down to earth. The blonde tries to focus on everywhere that she is being touched instead of thinking about Jake and that strategy works for her until Lexa starts running a hand up and down her arm. It sends a visible chill down her spine and the brunette almost backs away, but Clarke grips the other girl’s hand and pulls her back. She tries to focus on happy memories of Jake, but all she can bring herself back to is that damn night that has ruined her. She’s shaking when she feels a soft kiss below her ear and the soft action by Lexa opens the flood gates.

She finally lets go and she sobs uncontrollably. Every nasty thought she’s had about herself in the last year comes to the surface and she just weeps until the pain is gone. She feels numb by the time that she manages to calm herself and when she brings herself back to earth, she hears soft whispering in her ear and hands rubbing up and down her arms that manage to soothe her until she passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry it took a bit, I had to survive finals lol. I hope i did this all justice and I'm finishing this at two in the morning so I'm sorry if there are typos. I hope you guys enjoy it and I really hope you guys can tell me what you think!! Thanks again so I'll be back soon, hopefully! :)


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke wakes with a headache and dry mouth, she finds herself grumbling at the sunlight streaming in through the shitty blinds in her dorm until the weight of remembering today sets in. October 31st. The feeling hits her like a ton of bricks and she starts to shake until the arms around her tighten. She feels paralysis setting in as her mind is swarmed with the memories and all she can see are headlights and she hears the impact over and over.

“Shh, you’re safe,” she feels a soft hand rest on her jaw and the blonde moves her eyes towards the source when a slender thumb rubs against her cheekbone. Lexa stands above her beside the bed, the blonde notices Octavia sleeping beside her and tightening her grip on Clarke. She moves her eyes back to Lexa’s and notices how bloodshot they are.

“What are you still doing here?” she croaks.

“Clarke, are you talking?” Octavia mumbles into her neck.

“I just wanted to stay and help,” Lexa nods.

“She stayed all night and watched you sleep like a fucking weirdo,” Octavia, who is now awake, grumbles.

Lexa’s eyes look hurt at Octavia’s words, but Clarke can’t bring herself to formulate words, she just feels completely wiped. She just relaxes her neck and turns away from the staring match with those familiar eyes. She tunes out Octavia and Lexa’s arguing and feels like she’s trying to grab water when she tries to find the ability to speak. She hears Octavia yell at Lexa to leave when she manages to find some words.

“Fucking lay off of her, Octavia!” The words tumble out of her mouth and aren’t annunciated but the anger is evident as her voice rises.

Octavia scoffs and sits up, Clarke continues to stare at the wall and ignore the multiple sets of eyes on her. She tries not to lose it when she realizes she’s in no physical contact and she can feel the panic and memories set it, what a fucking mess. Clarke tries to focus on the physical feelings around her to stay grounded in her reality and she feels weight come off the bed and sudden weight replace it when she can hear the impact and sees flashes of Abby sobbing. She feels familiar arms wrap around her waist and she sighs as Lexa lies stiffly behind her.

She manages to tune into the middle of Octavia ranting, “Really, Clarke? You’ve felt so shitty over this girl for a week and even longer than that, because she’s a fucking coward. I’m gonna be a good best friend and defend you, because she felt the need to kiss you and humiliate you in front of me.”

“You don’t know half the shit she’s been through,” she whispers between clenched teeth.

“Why am I not surprised that you’re still defending her?” Octavia seethes.

“Seriously, today is not the day to pick a fight with Clarke, have some compassion,” Lexa’s voice is angrier than Clarke has ever heard and the blonde feels warm for a second over the idea of Lexa defending her.

“Fine,” Octavia exhales after a while. “This isn’t over.”

The blonde hears the door slam and she flinches. The brunette behind her relaxes into her and rubs the hand resting on her hip. The action causes Clarke to relax into the body behind her and she feels a calm settle over her that allows her to speak.

“Where’s Abby?” her voice is hoarse and it causes Lexa to squeeze her again.

“She’s passed out in Octavia’s bed from last night,” the brunette explains. “Look, Clarke-“

“Thank you,” Clarke finds the energy to turn and come face to face with eyes that are bewildered by her action. “I know how hard this is for you; thank you for staying.”

“I’m sorry that I upset you, no matter what I’ll always want to be there for you,” Lexa turns her eyes to the ceiling to ignore their proximity.

“I’m not mad at you, Lexa, even though I’ve tried to be. You have a right to be afraid of this and you have a right to not want this at all. I’m a mess and so are you, you’ve had to go through so much more than me and I shouldn’t expect you to just put what I want ahead of your own mental health,” Clarke speaks evenly and for the first time all day, her mind is solely on Lexa and not on her grief. “Octavia being a bitch kind of made me realize that. I haven’t been mad at you, just sad.”

Those eyes flit back to Clarke’s and she can’t decipher the look in those eyes, but it makes her feel human and like she can breathe without her lungs collapsing in on themselves. “I am sorry, Clarke. I shouldn’t have run.”

“I understand why,” the blonde nods and tries to scoot back from the girl so Lexa doesn’t feel smothered, but the girl keeps a tight grip on her waist to keep her in place. “You really don’t need to sweat it, we can go back to before or do whatever you want.”

“I need time, I was actually going to ask your mom if she had any associates she could recommend for therapy,” Lexa admits evenly. “If I end up wanting to pursue this, I want to be my best self for you, Clarke.”

The blonde nods and in that moment with how close they are, she really wants to kiss her and she has to stop herself when her body starts inching towards Lexa’s. She must respect this, so she settles on just nodding again, “I think Abby would be happy to help.”

“Thank you, Clarke,” the brunette nods at her and a silence settles over them. There is a palpable look in her eyes that Clarke can’t quite make out, but those greens are vibrant and Clarke has to bite her lip so she doesn’t do something stupid like lean in and press her lips against hers.

“Clarke,” Abby groans from the other side of the room. The interruption makes Clarke jump and nearly detangle herself from Lexa’s grip. “ _Ow,_ how are you?”

“She’s doing pretty well, Abby,” Lexa turns her back to Clarke to look Abby in the eye and the blonde doesn’t hesitate to follow her movement and wrap her arms around Lexa. “She’s been talking, which Octavia said is rare. How are you?”

The blonde watches over her shoulder and sees Abby slowly sit up and gag while doing so, “I’ve been better. Do you know where Clarke keeps her Motrin?”

“Yeah, Motrin is on top of the fridge,” Lexa instructs.

“Thanks,” she watches Abby scurry to the fridge and take some pills quickly. She turns and walks over to them, she makes eye contact and Abby places a soft hand on her cheek, “How are you?”

“She’s helped,” Clarke says weakly and nods towards Lexa.

Abby smiles weakly at the pair, “Good.”

“Would you like to lay with her, Dr. Griffin?” Lexa asks politely.

“Just call me Abby, and of course,” her mom smiles softly at Lexa then switches out with her and Clarke inhales the familiar scent of her mother.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Lexa nods awkwardly after a few moments of silence.

“You don’t have to go,” her mom sounds.

“It’s really fine, you guys need time together and I need to check on Raven,” Lexa gathers a bag and her lanyard.

“Take my keys and come back later,” Clarke mumbles.

“I don’t know, what about Octavia?”

“Octavia needs to apologize to you, so it will work out,” she nods to the brunette who gives her a slight smile before grabbing Clarke’s keys and leaving.

“So what was this I heard about a kiss?” Abby jabs Clarke’s side jokingly once the door closes.

“Oh God, you’ve been up since then?”

Her mom nods with a soft smile, “I’m glad you have her, all your rough patches aside. I do have an associate nearby that she could meet for therapy, remind me to give you his card later.”

“You just have his business card on you at all times,” Clarke manages to joke.

She feels Abby shrug, “Well I’ve always had it since last year in case you ever wanted to see him.”

Clarke nods  and pushes what her mother just said to the back of her mind and lays silently with her mother. At this point, the Lexa distraction is gone and all she can think about is how much she wishes her dad was here. She allows herself to let out a soft sob and Abby rubs a hand up and down her arm, leaves a comforting kiss on top of her head, and whispers, “I know, I miss him too.”

* * *

 

After various hours of alternating between sleeping and crying with her mom, Octavia comes back into the dorm, coincidentally at the same time Lexa returns. Lexa brings Raven, so it is a good buffer to have between the pair. The blonde feels so exhausted she knows she can’t mediate a fight at the moment.

Abby, Lexa, Octavia, and Raven all eat dinner and share stories and try to get Clarke to eat or join in, but the blonde can’t even think of food at the moment. Not even when Lexa offers her a bite of pizza and manages to make a joke about it, “Clarke, I even got it without pineapple on it, because I decided to stop being a ‘monster’ for you today and we could share.” But the blonde doesn’t budge, she just stares weakly at the girl. It nears ten o’clock when Abby decides to head back home and she trades off positions with Octavia, Clarke notices that Abby slips a business card to Lexa saying something about the psychiatrist nearby.

“Clarke, you haven’t eaten all day, can we get you anything?” Lexa asks upon sitting on the foot of the bed and Octavia scoffs when she sits next to her.

The blonde manages to shrug, her stomach has been twisting violently all day as she has laid in a world of grief. Her stomach growls but the idea of scarfing food down makes her want to retch. Octavia rubs a hand up and down her arm, “I’m sure Raven and Lexa will go get you some takeout.”

“What about the ice cream sundae from the diner we like? You get it every time we go there,” Lexa raises her eyebrows as she suggests and the excited look on the girl’s face with a mixture of the idea of ice cream makes her actually feel something resembling hunger.

She nods, “Sundae.”

She notices Octavia scrunch her nose and Lexa climbs off the bed, “Raven and I will go get that now, I’m going to take your keys.”

“See ya, Griff,” Raven calls out as the door closes.

The pair lay in silence and Clarke can almost hear the cogs turning in her best friend’s brain. The brunette lets out a sigh, “She makes you feel better, doesn’t she? I wouldn’t have even thought of getting you ice cream, she seems to have made you better today.”

“Fuck, she’s so amazing, O.” The blonde mumbles.

“So why aren’t we mad at her for running?”

“She’s had a bad past, it’s not my story to tell,” the blonde shrugs and takes the distraction of speaking about Lexa instead of thinking about blatant grief. “But she had the right to freak out, just a really bad story with her ex. She’s working on it.”

Octavia sighs, “I’m still mad how she handled it, but you’re a grownup, I’m not going to question your decision about this.”

“Thanks,” the blonde sighs. “You don’t have to worry about there being any Lexa and me right now, she said she wants to work on herself before there is an us, if there is an us.”

“Good for her, but that’s boring,” Octavia jokes and Clarke cracks a small smirk. “Whatever is meant to happen will.” There are a few moments of silence and Clarke doesn’t feel the need to speak about the topic again, Octavia speaks up again, “Abby wasn’t as bad as I expected last night. She seemed good today.”

“Do you think she blames me?”

“Of course not,” Octavia shakes her head. “It’s called an accident for a reason, Clarke. And once you realize that this isn’t your fault, maybe you can actually live a happy life.”

“Hmm, doesn’t sound likely,” Clarke hums. “I was the reason for him being on the road.”

“You were, but you weren’t the reason someone else decided to get behind the wheel drunk. You were a responsible adult and didn’t drive drunk but called someone to get you. It was an accident, but it was not your fault,” Octavia speaks passionately and it settles Clarke for a few moments. Octavia lets out a sigh after a few moments, this conversation happens monthly and Clarke wishes she could just listen to the girl. The pair lay in silence and Clarke keeps playing Octavia’s words on repeat in her head until Raven and Lexa return.

When the set of brunettes walk in with a plastic bag containing her ice cream, she feels hungry for the first time all day. Lexa holds the bag in a clenched fist and the bag rests against her thigh that is clad in gray joggers and she takes in the girl’s appearance and she looks adorable. With her messy bun, glasses, and outfit the blonde feels a small flicker of happiness and she feels a jolt of energy when Lexa meets her eye and gives her a small smile.

Octavia helps her sit up and keeps an arm around her shoulder so she’s still in contact. Lexa hands her the bag and she opens it to see a clear takeout bowl full of ice cream and she opens it eagerly. Lexa breaks out in a large smile when she eats a spoonful of ice cream.

* * *

 

Clarke wakes the next morning to Octavia in her bed, but an otherwise empty room. She lets out a sigh, the weight that feels like it’s been pressing on her chest has lightened significantly considering it is no longer an anniversary of Jake’s death. She still cannot deny a slight squeeze she feels in her heart when she thinks of Lexa and that she left. The blonde lets out a large sigh and flops onto her side to try to sleep off the exhaustion she still feels from yesterday.

The majority of her Sunday is spent alternating between sleeping off exhaustion and blankly staring at biology notes for an exam tomorrow. She swears that in her unfocused mind she reads a sentence about the double helix structure of DNA for about an hour straight. She can’t focus, all she can think about is Lexa and that thought alone isn’t something she desires to dwell on.

What Lexa did for her yesterday was a big step for the both of them, she set aside their differences and helped Clarke and the thought alone makes her heart soar. Although she can’t stop dwelling on the fact that she has to wait, she never likes waiting for the things she wants, even if she happily respects Lexa’s decision. It just is unsettling to realize what she is asking of Lexa, she’s asking her to move on and Clarke doesn’t know how she feels about what she’s asking of Lexa.

The blonde sighs when she notices that the clock says it is already nearing 10:00 PM and she is still rereading the same damn sentence of her notes. She bids Octavia and Lincoln goodbye; the pair are murmuring to each other while watching some action film. She wanders to the library with an iced coffee in her hand and the intent on memorizing five chapters of biology by the time her exam begins in eleven hours. She thanks God as she wanders through the silent 24-hour library to her usual study table.

The blonde scoffs at herself when she notices cascading brunette locks on a familiar form facing away from her at the exact table she was heading to. The blonde scolds herself, of course Lexa would be at this table, it is _their_ table, the pair had studied and done homework in silence over the course of their strengthening relationship. She debates on turning and leaving, it’s not like Lexa saw her enter and she doesn’t want to overwhelm the girl. She did ask for time.

Lexa stands and turns around and freezes when their eyes lock. There is a solid second where Lexa’s expression is blank until Lexa nods at her, “Here to cram for your biology exam?”

Clarke lets out a sigh of relief and approaches the table and sets her things down, “How’d you know?”

“You gave me a copy of your schedule last month, with yesterday I figured you hadn’t started yet.” The brunette shrugs and the blonde plops down in her usual chair parallel to the standing brunette, “I was going to go get coffee before I saw you, do you need anything?”

Clarke lifts her own cup in the air and shakes her head. The brunette nods and walks away. Clarke begins to flip furiously through her notes and a twenty-pound textbook and lets out a grunt. She came to the library to focus on studying, not think about Lexa and it’s hard not to think of the girl when she is sitting right across from her. The blonde takes a large gulp of her coffee and focuses on the text in front of her.

She is thankful that her mother is a genius and managed to pass some of that down to her when it is a half hour later and she’s managed to memorize a full chapter of notes word for word. She surprisingly doesn’t even spare a thought of Lexa until the girl sits across from her and pushes a paper bag onto the table. The brunette pulls out a burger wrapped in paper and places it in front of Clarke and the blonde looks up from her notes.

“I figured you would enjoy your midnight cramming snack, even though it isn’t really midnight,” the brunette tries to shrug nonchalantly as she pulls out her own takeout container of mac and cheese.

Clarke can hear her heartbeat in her ears when she speaks, “You walked to our diner to get takeout?”

Lexa shrugs and glares down at her own laptop while she stabs her meal with a fork, “I mean I was going to get coffee and a snack from the coffee shop, but then you came here and I figured we could get what we usually do.”

“You’re too sweet,” Clarke manages to smile and nervously grimace at the girl before grabbing the burger and unwrapping it from the paper. She takes a large bite and realizes she hasn’t really eaten today and is incredibly thankful for the girl across from her.

Her mind that was focused suddenly wanders when she takes another bite of her meal. Lexa is staring, deep in thought at her computer with an adorably expression as she alternates between taking small bites and typing. The blonde stares deeply at green eyes illuminated by the girl’s laptop screen and she catches herself smiling into her own food. It’s when Lexa snags her bottom lip between her teeth in an act of focus that Clarke realizes she’s ogling the girl. Her heart is hammering at this point and all her mind can register is how sweet and thoughtful Lexa has been.

“You know you don’t have to do this all for me,” Clarke blurts after the food and coffees between the pair has long disappeared and the blonde can no longer focus after several attempts because of the girl across from her.

An eyebrow is raised in concern, but those green eyes never leave her laptop screen, “What are you talking about?”

“I mean yesterday, you don’t have to go to therapy or move on just because you think that’s what I want. I want you to be happy, Lexa. I mean, of course I want you, but I don’t expect you to do anything that you don’t want to do,” Clarke breathes out quickly and the brunette stares at her for a few moments before closing her laptop.

“I know I said I don’t want to move on, but I also want you, Clarke Griffin. And I want you to be happy, I mean of course I’m doing this for you, but I’m doing it for me too. I would like to be happy and I think you would make me pretty happy,” Lexa leans across the table and speaks meaningfully.

In that moment, Clarke feels a warmth wash over her like she’s never felt before and she suddenly feels like she’s completely fallen. She smiles down at her hands, oddly feeling shy for once when the girl looks at her. Her heart is soaring and pounding hard enough to make her ribs hurt, but her whole body feels like it has been set on fire.

“I make you happy?” She whispers and her voice cracks.

Lexa lets out a cute sigh and reaches across the table to tangle her finger with Clarke’s shaking ones, “You do.”

“Go on a date with me,” the words move passionately past her lips before she can even think all she knows is that she’s never felt lighter.

“Clarke,” Lexa sighs, “I want to, but not anytime soon.”

“But someday?” Clarke questions.

Lexa nods with a soft smile and the idea of someday makes Clarke want to lean over the table and plant one on her. The blonde settles for squeezing the brunette’s hand and smiles back at her. “Get ready to be romanced,” Clarke smirks.

“Really? You strike me as the type to just take me out to the diner and then watch Netflix after,” Lexa says.

“If that’s the case we have been on like a million dates. You underestimate me,” Clarke rebuttals with a small smirk.

“I was just teasing,” the brunette smiles. “I think you would plan a great evening, Clarke.”

“A great morning too,” Clarke jokes and Lexa’s jaw actually drops. “Kidding.”

“Well that’s the future, long in the future. You should focus on studying for your exam. I know you’re a genius, but that will only get you so far,” Lexa notes as she lets go of her hand and taps a finger on Clarke’s book.

“Ugh, fine,” the blonde groans. “What are you doing right now anyways?”

“Finishing a twenty-page paper,” Lexa shrugs.

“Gross,” she wrinkles her nose and Lexa giggles.

“You have no room to talk, biology is boring.”

“Don’t ever say that in front of Abby or she would never approve of our relationship,” Clarke laughs.

“Relationship?”

“I mean, hopefully one day,” the blonde tries to give a charming smile and shrug but all she can hear is her heartbeat echoing in her ears.

“Yeah, maybe.” Lexa responds shyly and Clarke’s face nearly splits from her smile.

* * *

 

Lexa slides a coffee onto the table around eight in the morning and Clarke smiles warmly up at her and tries not to gag at how strong the taste is. She is finishing up on fully memorizing her notes and the book, she would’ve finished around four or five in the morning, but Lexa stayed after she finished her paper and helped quiz her which led to Clarke getting very distracted.

“Thanks,” she grumbles and her voice is much raspier than usual. She lets out a yawn and Lexa smiles at her. “I’m skipping Calculus; I’ll see you later?”

Lexa rounds the table and hoists herself up on the creaky table, almost spilling Clarke’s coffee on herself. Clarke puts her pen down and focuses on the girl staring intently at her. She can practically hear Lexa thinking as the girl visually deliberates many ideas. The blonde places a shaky hand on Lexa’s knee and squeezes it in thanks again for all the help. The action causes the brunette to put a hand in blonde locks and try and tame the mess that Clarke’s hair has become. One second, Clarke is staring into dreamy, bloodshot green eyes and the next Lexa is invading her sense and her own eyes snap shut when she thinks she the girl is about to kiss her. The blonde lets out a shaky sigh when she feels soft lips on her cheek and Lexa pulls away almost as fast as they make contact.

“Last night was great, I’ll see you tonight.” The brunette hops off the table and slings a backpack over her shoulder.

“Not gonna wish me luck on my exam?” Clarke jokes the brunette starts backing away from her while making eye contact and holding a cheesy grin on her face.

Lexa shrugs, “You don’t need it, I already know you’ve got this exam in the bag.”

Clarke finds herself smiling shyly, yet again. “Thanks, Lex.”

She watches the girl retreat from the floor with a content feeling settling upon her. It takes her a few moments after staring at a blank space that Lexa was standing in until she focuses back on her studies.

The next hour passes by quickly and she manages to slip into her exam two minutes before the class starts. She ends up leaving the class confident that she had gotten every question right. The blonde then finds herself skipping the rest of her classes to go back to her room and finally sleep, it’s not like she would miss much, anyways. Because even if she went to her other classes all she would do the whole time is think of Lexa and how she has become incredibly smitten in the last 48 hours.

The blonde ends up waking up around 7 that night when Octavia throws a lacrosse stick at her. She scrunches her nose and kicks the object onto the floor. Her roommate laughs and jumps onto her bed.

“Your phone has been going crazy and Raven eventually called me to make sure you weren’t dead,” Octavia announces.

Clarke grumbles and reaches to grab her phone. She sighs when she notices a dozen notifications from Raven alone. She reads them all and sighs, “She said there’s a party tonight and she wants us to come since none of us went out on Saturday.”

“Yeah, she said she was going to come here and force us to come,” Octavia laughs.

“Fine, I’ll go get ready really quick,” she announces as she strolls to the bathroom. She tries calling Lexa after brushing her teeth but her call is ignored. She tries to think nothing of it and ends up finishing getting ready in record time so she can go over to their dorm and see the girl that has been on her mind.

“Is there a reason you’re practically running to their dorm?” Octavia asks as they exit their dorm building.

“No,” Clarke scoffs and shortens her stride.

“Sure thing, Clarke. Let me guess, you and Lexa are on again?” Octavia looks at her knowingly.

“I mean not right now, but sometime in the future,” the blonde shrugs.

“Man, you’re really in deep,” her best friend stares at her knowingly. “I’ve never seen Clarke Griffin wait for anything. I’m surprised Lexa isn’t afraid that you’ll just find someone else.”

“O, stop that,” she responds. “I know you’re looking out for me, but I’ve never felt this way before.”

“And she’s just instantly forgiven for running and making you feel awful for a week?”

“I guess,” she shrugs.

“That’s not the Clarke Griffin I know,” the brunette scrunches her brow.

“What do you mean?”

“Well you just don’t let people push you around and you’re stubborn,” her roommate shrugs nonchalantly.

“I know and I’m still like that, but she’s been truly apologetic for what she did, but she did have reasoning for being scared. And I had to forgive her, even if running and ignoring me was not the nicest thing to do,” she breathes out and Octavia slings an arm around her shoulder.

“Okay, I just want my best friend happy, and if she’s worth it then I’m happy for you,” Octavia smiles at her and the blonde truly relaxes around the girl for the first time in days. They walk in relative silence until they reach the dorm building. “I am surprised though that you aren’t worried though.”

“Worried about what?” she asks as some guy holds the door open for them to enter the building, “Thanks.”

“I mean it’s college, people aren’t really ready for serious relationships. And since it’s college, we both know girls love experimenting and Lexa is like hot,” Octavia shrugs and presses the elevator button.

Clarke stiffens as dread sets over her. The idea of Lexa with someone else makes her stomach turn, “She doesn’t even talk to anyone other than Raven and me.”

“I don’t want to stress you out, Clarke. You’re probably right, I would just naturally worry about that if I were in your shoes, but she’s probably just as smitten too,” Octavia nudges her side.

Clarke lets out a breath, “I hope so.”

The pair stay silent until they reach the dorm and suddenly the blonde is vibrating with excitement again. The door swings open and Raven lets out a whooping noise at the sight of them, “Damn Clarke Bar, you look hot. O, beautiful as always,” Raven smiles and steps aside so they can step in.

Clarke’s eyes fall to Lexa’s bed and there is no sight of the girl. She feels herself deflate slightly, “Where’s Lexa?”

“Wow, you really get to the point,” Octavia laughs.

Raven’s expression darkens suddenly, “She’s hanging out with one of her friends from our foster home. Her name is Anya, she just moved out here for some job and is transferring at the semester.”

“Do you not like her? You’re scowling,” Octavia notes.

“She wasn’t the best influence on Lexa,” Raven mumbles.

Clarke feels dread settle in and she stiffens. That must’ve been why Lexa ignored her call earlier, she was probably with this Anya girl. God, what if she has a history with her? Of course, this had to happen, something Octavia said is probably going to become true. What if Lexa likes this Anya girl? She finds herself grumbling as her mind suddenly fills with jealous worst case scenarios, “Are they coming to the party with us?”

“Anya hates parties more than Lexa, the only way she would go would be if you asked her, Clarke.”

“Well she ignored my call earlier, but I can try again,” the blonde eagerly pulls her phone out.

“Don’t bother, Anya will complain the whole time and then Lexa will complain, it will just be awful,” Raven shrugs.

“I’m going to use the bathroom really quick,” Octavia announces and gives Clarke a look and nods at Raven.

“So, does Lexa like have a history with this Anya chick?” the blonde finds herself asking as soon as the door shuts.

Raven laughs, “I don’t think so. Lexa’s weird about Anya, I don’t think anything has ever happened, Lexa sees her as a motherly figure. You don’t need to worry, Lexa is all yours.”

Her cheeks redden, “I hope she will be someday.”

“Oh gross,” Raven jokingly gags and knocks on the bathroom door. “Hurry up, Octavia, I need to get in there and vomit, Clarke’s being gross about Lexa.”

“Sexual gross or lovey dovey gross?” Octavia’s voice pierces through the door.

“The second one, but she’ll probably be both if she keeps talking,” Raven laughs as she speaks. “But seriously Clarke, I wouldn’t worry about Anya.”

“I hope you’re right,” Clarke sighs, suddenly feeling a lot worse than she felt earlier today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the wait, I've been feeling really uninspired with this and I'm not sure if this is very good anymore lol. I figured I'd be able to write a lot more, because I finished my freshman year, but I've been working full time and weird hours, so updating is gonna be all over the place. But hey, Anya is finally here! And don't worry there won't be any Anya x Lexa lol, I just figured it could add some jealousy drama for Clarke. Please, please tell me what you think! I hope this all turned out okay :)


	7. Chapter 7

The door to the bathroom swings open after a few minutes and Octavia gives Clarke’s hand a small, reassuring squeeze. “Let’s go party!”

The blonde stays relatively quiet as they walk across campus to the football boys house for the party. Raven and Octavia keep conversation flowing constantly, but her mind wanders about Lexa and the blonde doesn’t want to worry but she naturally does. She’s really put herself out there for the girl and she doesn’t want to get hurt in the process. She stays silent until they reach the doorsteps of the house and the loud music makes her ears ring.

“How long do we have to stay at this?” She yells to Raven.

“Stop being boring,” the brunette yells.

“Like an hour tops,” Octavia rebuttals to Raven’s response.

The blonde sighs and walks into the house. She tries to dance a few times, but guys just keep grabbing her to dance and she is way too sober for this. She ends up finding herself sitting on a couch in the corner, deliberating sending a text to Lexa. When some sleazy looking guy wraps his arm around her shoulders, she jumps from the couch and sends a text to Lexa from the porch.

**Clarke [9:00 PM]: hey you said you were going to see me tonight, I’m holding you to that :)**

She watches the minutes turn on her phone and ends up sitting next to a group of sorority girls consoling a crying girl. She considers leaving when the girl starts to vomit, but stays seated when her phone vibrates and a weight is lifted off her shoulders.

**Lexa [9:11 PM]: Hey Clarke, of course. I just saw your message and your call, sorry I was in a movie with an old friend. I’d love for you to come meet her!**

**Clarke [9:11 PM]: Of course, Lex. Just tell me when you’re back in your dorm and I’ll head over.**

Clarke exhales in relief, she really should stop letting Octavia get in her head. She really has had nothing to worry about. She plays with her phone and really considers leaving, she suddenly feels herself vibrating excitedly at the prospect of seeing the girl.

**Lexa [9:17 PM]: We’re actually going to the diner, you should come join us.**

**Clarke [9:18 PM]: Of course, I’m on my way.**

She jumps to her feet and sends a quick message to Octavia and Raven that she’s ditching. She pockets her phone and ignores their simultaneous responses asking her to stay. Clarke finds herself powerwalking across campus at incredible rates. She ends up swinging the small, shabby diner door open ten minutes later and slightly out of breath. She stares around the small hole in the wall diner that her and Lexa frequent so often. It looks like somebody copied and pasted the diner right out of the 1950s. Her eyes land on Lexa’s at a booth in the back corner, their eyes connect and the other girl’s eyes light up. Lexa awkwardly gestures to a blonde sitting across from her and jumps out of her seat.

The blonde tries to look at Anya as she walks up, but Lexa puts her arms out in a hug for a greeting and that captures her attention much more than the stranger staring them down. She inhales the familiar scent of Lexa in the crook of her neck as she gives the girl one last squeeze before pulling away. She turns her attention to a blonde with high cheekbones staring up at her, she jabs her hand out.

“I’m Clarke, nice to meet you,” she tries to give a warm smile to the girl who scrutinizes her.

The girl eventually shakes her hand in a death grip after Clarke’s smile drops. “Anya. And what are your intentions with my friend here?”

Lexa makes a small choking sound and Clarke chuckles, trying to size up this girl. Her mind races with what Raven and Octavia has said to her and she needs to impress this girl if she matters to Lexa. The blonde makes sure to keep shaking the girl’s hand and smile, “To make her happy, as that should be anyone’s intention.”

“Why don’t we sit, Clarke?” Lexa speaks up with tinged cheeks. She yanks Clarke’s hand that the intense blonde just dropped in the passive aggressive business hand shake. The blonde plops into the booth besides Lexa and keeps eye contact with the girl that is eyeing the pair.

“I suppose, but I’ve heard your intentions are a bit more than just friendly,” Anya speaks evenly.

“Yes, but can you blame me? This girl right here is amazing,” Clarke straightens her posture and lets out a breath of air when Lexa grabs her hand and squeezes it. She supposes this is the closest she will ever get to “meeting the parents” and Clarke has never done well with the subject. But now that her minute-long jealousy induced by Octavia earlier in the night has disappeared, she just wants to impress this girl to impress Lexa.

“You are aware she has no intent to pursue any romantic relationships, right?”

“Well maybe in the future, just not right now,” Lexa interrupts quickly.

Anya finally breaks the minute-long eye contact with Clarke to stare at her friend with widened eyes, “Since when?”

“Since Clarke showed me that despite everything, I still deserve to be happy,” Lexa speaks and stares at Clarke. The blonde turns and looks into meaningful green eyes and she’s never felt so light. She squeezes the hand that she is grasping below the table and shoots the girl a small smile.

Anya hums and that brings Clarke’s attention to the girl across from her. She scrutinizes the pair until a waiter clears his throat breaking up the awkward staring match. They go around the table with orders and Anya speaks when the waiter leaves, “Interesting that you suddenly feel ready to move on when some pretty girl probably manipulated you to think you’re ready.”

“Anya, she hasn’t forced me to do or think anything,” Lexa speaks.

Clarke fights rolling her eyes at the girl across from her, “Villainizing me so quick, Anya? Why can’t we both just acknowledge that we both want Lexa to be happy.”

“You don’t know all the stuff I have done to help this girl survive what she’s been through,” the girl across from her nearly growls.

“And I’m thankful for that, Anya. I’m glad for all you’ve done to help Lexa get to where she is today, because I’m thankful to have her,” the blonde speaks evenly and clenches her fist the Lexa isn’t holding.

“Thankful? I’m sure, until someone else crosses your path. You kissed her best friend before, who’s to say you won’t do that again or move onto the next guy who gives you attention,” Anya seethes.

Clarke takes a second to take a breath when the waiter drops their drinks off, she feels Lexa run a thumb over her hand and she drops the girl’s hand at the action. She turns her attention to Lexa who looks sheepish. “You told her about Raven? That was forever ago and at a party as a joke. And really, biphobia? Not a good look on you, Anya.”

“I was talking to Anya on the phone after the party, it was when I wasn’t a fan of you and I just ranted about a girl that kissed Raven.” Lexa reasons and turns her attention to Anya, “Don’t hold that against her, seriously Anya what’s up?”

“I am just trying to protect you,” Anya stares intently at the girl.

“I don’t need you to protect me. You don’t need to act like a mom, I’ve done just fine without one,” the brunette growls.

“She’s already making us fight, Lexa, I’ve been one of the only people that’s always been there for you. Do you really want this?”

“You’re making us fight, not Clarke. Stop grilling her, she’s my friend and I like her, so why don’t we just leave the parent-esque grilling and just have dinner like normal people?” Lexa speaks intensely and chooses her words carefully. Clarke makes a point to grab the hand that she dropped earlier and she laces their fingers.

“Anya, we both care for Lexa and want her happy. We have the same goal, so let’s just get to know each other,” the blonde backs up and the girl eyes her for a few moments.

“Fine,” she sighs and takes a drink of water.

The trio sits in uncomfortable silence until the food comes to the table. With some mac and cheese in Clarke’s stomach, she is able to force herself to be social and to interact with Anya. She learns that the girl is six years older than Lexa and they met when Anya would come back to visit the foster home she grew up in. Anya says that she graduated with a pre law degree, but held off on going to law school to work a job helping with the foster system. She says that’s she’s beginning her first year at Polis Law at the semester.  

“I see why you get along so well, you’re very similar,” Clarke pipes up to Lexa when Anya excuses herself to the restroom.

“I’m sorry she’s so protective, she’s always been like a mom to me. Raven never liked her, because she was so overprotective and it made Raven think Anya was a bad influence on me,” Lexa’s eyes scan Clarke’s face that scrunches in realization. “I’m assuming she told you she was a bad influence on me?”

“But really Anya just hurt her ego?” Clarke questions and then laughs when Lexa nods her head, “I should never listen to Raven.”

“That was your first mistake. Were you worried that you were gonna lose me to some rebel friend?” Lexa shoots her a small smirk that can only be described as sarcastic.

The blonde bites her lip and Octavia’s words run through her mind. A strong, stabbing pain of anger sits in her stomach at her roommate. She exhales, “Something of the sorts.”

The waiter comes over with the bill and Clarke hands him her credit card before he can set the receipt down. Lexa gapes at her for a moment before nodding in thanks. “You didn’t have to pay for all of our food.”

“It’s fine,” the blonde shrugs. “Don’t make a big deal of it, because you know I’ll be paying for you whenever we go on that date.”

Lexa’s cheeks tinge pink and the action causes the blonde’s mouth to spread into a smile. She hears a voice behind her that makes her spine straighten, “You’re going on a date with her, Lexa?”

Anya nearly growls after her question and slides back into her side of the booth. Lexa turns her attention to Anya with a stoic expression, “Someday in the future. This shouldn’t matter to you.”

The angry girl hovering over them closes her eyes and inhales for a long moment, before nodding, “You’re right. Sorry, it’s your choice.”

When the waiter sets her card back down and she scribbles her signature on the receipt after throwing several bills down for the tip, Clarke steps out of the booth. “I’m going to leave you guys some friend time, I need to go talk to O about something,” Clarke announces. Clarke feels a very maternal vibe coming from Anya and part of her seethes for Octavia getting in her head about Lexa.

“Anything interesting you need to talk to her about?” Lexa asks as the blonde slides out of the booth and grabs her lanyard off the table.

The blonde looks down at the girl that looks up at her with wide green eyes and her heartbeat speeds up slightly. She shakes her head and leans down to press a kiss to the brunette’s cheek before she can really think of it, “Just best friend stuff. Hopefully nothing interesting. You two have fun; it was nice meeting you, Anya.”

“Likewise,” the blonde nods at her and Clarke shoots the pair a smile before exiting the restaurant.

She finds herself nearly sprinting back to her dorm, it’s a short walk, but she can’t get there soon enough. By the time she reaches her dorm building, she opts to take the stairs to her dorm, it’s faster than the elevator anyways. She finds Octavia laying supine in her bed, tossing a lacrosse ball from hand to hand as she watches Netflix on her laptop.

“How was dinner with Lexa and her friend?” The brunette asks, barely taking her eyes off the screen.

“Great, Anya’s a little scratchy, but she’s like a _mother_ to Lexa,” Clarke emphasizes the word and sits on her own bed, pulling off her boots.

“That’s cool,” the brunette mumbles.

“Why did you say what you said earlier?” The blonde finally summons words after a few moments of silence.

“I say a lot of things, what specific thing?” Octavia pauses her screen and looks over to her roommate.

“That shit about Lexa,” Clarke finds herself jumping to her feet as all her angry thoughts and memories come to the forefront of her mind. She feels burning in her veins over this girl who is supposed to be her best friend, her rock has been putting all these shitty ideas into her mind about Lexa, someone who makes her happy. Clarke finds herself scolding herself for falling right into Octavia’s hands.

“What shit?” the brunette sets her laptop aside and sits up.

“Hm, I don’t know let’s see how you’ve been a complete bitch to her since you walked in on us. You’ve been glaring her down and yelling insults in her face. And then I try to convince you that she makes me happy and she has had her reasons for the things she’s done, and you try to plant this seed in my mind that she’s gonna fuck the next person the comes by while I wait for her. Like that’s funny, I barely even got her to kiss me, she doesn’t even open up to people. And I believed you,” Clarke breathes her words out, they’re annunciated angrily and her hands are clenching into fists.

“I’m going to stop you right there,” the brunette whips the lacrosse ball in her hand at the wall that sends a picture frame containing the two of them to topple to the floor. “Every single fucking thing I’ve done for the past year has been for you! For you, Clarke! Who tried to get you to stop drinking? Who managed to find you when you tried to kill yourself? Who almost failed their senior year trying to keep you afloat after your dad? Me! Me, it was me, I did all this shit. Don’t you dare start pointing fingers at me after all I’ve done for you.”

“I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me, O. But that doesn’t change the fact that you have been a shitty person and friend about Lexa lately, and I don’t get it. Why?” Clarke yells, in her defense, Octavia was just in her face screaming. She hears a knock at their door, she hears someone yelling to shut the hell up. The blonde turns back to her best friend and crosses her arms as she speaks in a quieter voice, “I don’t get it.”

“Everything I’ve done about Lexa, is because I’m trying to do my best to help you. I want to keep you safe, I can’t let you get hurt even more,” the brunette stares at her with crazed eyes.

“Manipulating me is helping me?”

“Get out!” Octavia shoves her shoulders, “Don’t accuse me of manipulating you after all I’ve done this year.”

“Trying to convince me that Lexa will hook up with another girl, that sounds like manipulating to me,” the blonde scoffs. “And don’t bother trying to kick me out, I’m leaving on my own accord, I can’t even look at you.”

Her hands are shaking wildly as she tries to pull her boots back up her feet. Clarke snatches a sweatshirt off her bed and her lanyard before swinging her door open. She’s about to step out of her dorm when Octavia says her name.

“Clarke,” she turns to look into blazing blue-green eyes. “If you leave over this girl, after everything we’ve been through as friends,” she pauses, “then don’t come back.”

The blonde tries not to laugh, “We both live here, I can come back all I want.”

“You know what I mean, I don’t wanna fucking see you,” Octavia strides across the dorm and makes a move to slam the door in her face.

She stares at the door. The door that is peeling and wobbly. The door that was just slammed in her face, effectively closing the door on her friendship with Octavia. She lets out a shaky exhale and pulls out her phone to call Lexa. The ringing echoes in her ears as she backs away from the door. The blonde is staring at elevator doors opening when Lexa answers.

“Clarke?”

“Where are you?” her voice is raspier than usual when she speaks and she can feel her voice growing deeper as she tries not to lose it.

“I’m still at the diner with Anya, it’s only been like 10 minutes. What’s up?” Her voice is concerned and it manages to pull a sigh of relief from Clarke’s lips.

“Octavia and I got into a fight, it’s a long story. I need a place to stay,” she mumbles.

“Of course, I’m heading over there right now. I’ll meet you outside of my dorm building,” Clarke can vaguely hear the bell of the diner door announcing Lexa’s exit.

She hangs up her phone and finds herself wandering towards the dorm building. Clarke notices that her hands are shaking out of anger and shock at how quickly her fight with Octavia escalated. Due to the size of the campus, she finds herself outside Lexa’s dorm after a few minutes. Her thumbs shake as she sends out a text to Raven.

 **[10:47 PM] Clarke:** Are you still at the party?

 **[10:53 PM] Raven:** yesh sirrr. Heading home soon asf captain g. this party=lame

The blonde sighs and tucks her phone away. She leans against the cold brick of the dorm building while the fight with Octavia repeats in her mind. She is on the fourth rerun of Octavia slamming the door in her face, when Lexa is in her line of sight and walking quickly towards her. The brunette’s eyes scan her head to toe and nods at the blonde, “Want to go upstairs?”

Not trusting her voice, she nods. She shoots Lexa a smile that likely resembles a grimace when the girl opens the door for her. The pair stand on opposite sides of the elevator and she can feel Lexa’s eyes on her but all Clarke can do is stare at her messily tied boots and remember everything Octavia said to her.

“Can you at least tell me what happened?” Lexa asks when Clarke storms over to the brunette’s bed and cocoons herself into the blankets.

The blonde sighs and tries to keep an even tone when Lexa sits on the edge of the bed and places a hand on her leg over the gray duvet. “I confronted her about how she treats you and what she says about you, and she kicked me out.”

“I don’t want you to fight over me, Clarke. Octavia has been a great friend to you,” those green eyes glare into hers intensely with concern that is palpable.

“She _has been_ a great friend. Past tense. Currently, she is not being a great friend. She’s being mean to you and is saying things to me about how I shouldn’t wait around for you,” Clarke stares at the hand on her lower leg and mumbles.

“Maybe she’s right,” Lexa speaks softly.

“You don’t mean that,” her head whips up quickly to stare into saddened green eyes. “Don’t say that because you think it’s what I want to hear, because it definitely is not.”

“Usually best friends are good judges of character on this type of thing,” the brunette looks so concerned and defeated that the blonde reaches out to grab Lexa’s hand.

“We both have some pretty protective best friends. And Octavia may be my best friend, but she’s making the wrong judgment call here. Wanna know why? Because I don’t need a best friend’s judgement to know how good you are to me and how happy you make me.” The blonde sits up and uses her free hand to tip Lexa’s chin so she looks at her. “You are so beautiful and strong and smart. You have been my rock and I have felt so liberated to just be with you.”

The brunette stares at her for a few seconds that turn into an awkward length of time. Green eyes are staring around the room and at Clarke’s face. The blonde almost recoils, worrying that she’s overstepped. “Lexa.”

“No, don’t talk.”

“What, Lexa?”

“Clarke,” the brunette breathes out. The blonde looks at the girl skeptically that is nearing her and lips are quickly pressed to hers. _Oh, Lexa wasn’t upset._ Clarke manages to have the singular thought before reciprocating and transporting to a world of focusing on feeling Lexa and nothing else.

She drops Lexa’s hand and quickly wraps her hands behind the girl’s neck to pull her closer. The other girl’s lips are confident and warm as they slide easily across Clarke’s. She lets out a gasp when Lexa pulls away quickly and stares at her with dilated eyes. She is embarrassingly short of breath and all the air escapes her lungs when Lexa _crawls_ towards her. She backs up until her head hits the pillow and Lexa is hovering over her with a sweet smile.

“Hi,” Lexa smiles toothily and lets out a small giggle.

“Hey,” she can feel her own cheek splitting smile take over her face.

Clarke can’t help herself when she notices Lexa’s wild eyes bouncing between her eyes and lips. The blonde leans up on her elbows and presses a sweet kiss to her lips. She actually squeaks when Lexa quickly changes pace of the kiss, by swiping a tongue across the seam of her lips. Her hands find purchase in Lexa’s hair and the other girl has her hands scorching and dragging across her ribs. When Lexa’s tongue drags across the roof of her mouth, she quickly pulls away and flips them over to have some semblance of control.

She leans down and presses a kiss to a defined jawline by a small ear. She creates a small trail of kisses until she reaches the girl’s pulse point and begins to nip and suck at the point. Lexa let’s out a soft moan as she pulls on the blonde’s shoulders, pressing their bodies closer together. Clarke leans back and stares into the girl’s eyes as she pulls her hoodie off. She feels warm hands trace over her bare skin as she captures a set of full lips yet again. Lexa is panting into her mouth and she’s managed to trace her hands under the girl’s hoodie when, as luck would have it, a drunk Raven Reyes stumbles into the room.

“Oh my, YES I’m finally walking in something!” Clarke pulls away quickly at hearing the girl’s slurred tone. “Nice bra, Griff.”

“Thanks,” she shrugs and looks down to Lexa who is staring at her in awe. The blonde lets out a frustrated sigh, “Why are you back? Like why did you have to come back right now?”

Raven trips and manages to land on her own bed. She watches lazily as Clarke pulls her shirt back on her head and climbs off of Lexa. “’Twas lame. I drank their alcohol and left. No cute boys and shitty music.”

Clarke feels her heart thudding against her chest and her cheeks manage to turn crimson when Lexa continues to stare at her and runs a thumb over her swollen pink bottom lip. Clarke turns her head away so she doesn’t jump Lexa right in front of her roommate.

“I can go stay at a boy toy’s place if you guys wanna,” Raven is on her feet and messily hip thrusts as she giggles.

Lexa turns red this time and Clarke giggles, “Drink some water and go to bed, Reyes.”

“Okay, Momma G.”

It takes less than five minutes before Raven is snoring loudly into her pillow. Clarke covers the girl up and sets a water bottle with Tylenol at her bedside. She turns to Lexa who is laying face down in her own bed. Deciding to be bold as per usual, the blonde lays beside the girl and wraps an arm around her hips. The brunette eventually sighs and turns so she is facing the blonde. Her eyes stay closed and Clarke stares at long lashes instead of green irises.

“Are you okay?” Clarke whispers.

The girl sighs and Clarke runs a finger over her cheekbone, causing the girl to relax. “Just frustrated.”

“Like sexually?” the blonde bluntly asks and the other girl’s eyes pop open. When the brunette refuses to make eye contact, Clarke leans forward and presses a prolonged kiss underneath the girl’s jaw.

“Not helping,” Lexa whispers when Clarke pulls away.

Clarke chuckles and it doesn’t take long before Lexa joins in, “I’m sorry.”

They lay in tired silence, Lexa breathing slowly and with her eyes closed and Clarke staring intently at the girl’s every move. The blonde is pretty sure Lexa has fallen asleep when she speaks up, “So I’ve been thinking.”

“Uh oh,” the blonde jokes and the other girl pushes her shoulder lightly.

“I think you should take me out on that date soon. Like maybe over Christmas break?”

Clarke swears she can feel the blood pulsing through her veins as a smile erupts on her face, “Really?”

The brunette sits up, looking away from the blonde. Clarke keeps her arm wrapped around her waist and snuggles up closer to her. “Yeah, it’s about a month and a half away. So I think I will be ready by then. And I want to.”

“What about until then?” She murmurs as she squeezes her waist.

“We should abstain,” Lexa pauses when Clarke giggles, “from things.”

“What would you define as ‘things?’” Clarke sits up quickly, her demeanor turning suggestive. When the girl stays silent, she rubs circles on the girl’s back and leans in to kiss at her neck. She slowly makes her way across the girl’s neck and jawline until she is near her mouth, when Lexa pulls away with lidded eyes and is breathing heavily.

“Yeah, um, that would be defined as ‘things.’”

Clarke pulls away and nods, “Okay, we can try to do that.”

“Tonight was a blip,” the brunette says out loud in a voice that sounds as if she is only trying to convince herself. The pair silently settles into bed, respecting the newly set boundaries.

Clarke finds herself staring at the ceiling as Raven’s snores fill the room and the unconscious Lexa snuggles into her side. Her mind races over the evening’s events. Clarke feels like her heart is cracked and the pain settles deep into her bones, because she lost her best friend tonight. Octavia has always been too head strong to ever notice she was in the wrong and she always has Clarke’s best interest in mind, it just hurts to think it will never be the same again. The girl who had been at her side ever since the Griffin’s moved in next door to the Blake’s almost twelve years ago. She feels a single tear roll down her cheek, it’s almost like the pain she is feeling is an equivalent of being dumped. Clarke tries to distract herself from thinking of her fight with Octavia. She finds herself staring at the ceiling for hours, her mind racing over her fight with Octavia and progress with Lexa. She manages to finally relax, when Lexa tightens her grip on her waist and mumbles Clarke’s name in her sleep, the blonde feels herself smile softly and eventually drifts off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry for the wait! I wanted to thank you guys for your kudos and comments thus far, they really keep me going. I did want to acknowledge that Octavia became very unpopular after last chapter lol, which is what I intended. I wanted their friendship to be a part of the plot and for their friendship to have evolved by the end of the story. and don't worry Octavia will realize she's being an asshole soon enough :) So leave some kudos and/or comments and tell me what you think :)


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